Did you get through the weekend without drinking? No - or No, but for really solid reasons?

Did you get drunk at the weekend, or did you get drunk but the reasons why are excellent? Find out below:

Did you manage to get through Friday without drinking?

A) I managed the ‘day’ part, as in ‘Fri-day’. As in I didn’t have any until it was dark. Ish.

B) No, but, and this is the amazing thing, so I was totally planning on doing Dry January and stuff but then I bumped into Mark Stampton. We went to school together, but I’ve not seen him in 20 years! And anyway…

How many did you have?

A) Lost track. But apparently I pissed in the garden when I had trouble unlocking the door.

B) …so then it turns out he’s into the Foo Fighters as well and we’d actually been about 12 feet from each other at Glastonbury, so we went for a bite to eat and the pub was nearest, and then…

How will you make up for it? 

A) By definitely not drinking for the rest of January, whenever that is. Almost over isn’t it?

B) …and this bloke who bought us the whiskies is Ian Rankin, that Scottish writer who wrote the books about the Scottish detective who drinks, and he needs two people to come with him to…

So you’re back on the wagon? 

A) Absolutely. Unless I forget, or feel like a drink, or get bored.

B) …the bouncer explains you actually have to buy champagne in the champagne room, and for the girls too! So Ian, who’s a fucking legend, and Stampy come up with this plan…


Mostly A’s – Well done! You made it to the weekend without drinking but then fell at the first hurdle. Better than last year!

Mostly B’s – …try to open the window and it won’t, and that’s when I realise we’re on a ferry, the lads are gone, and both the girls are in bed with me. Then my mobile goes and it’s East Kilbride Dave asking when I’m picking up this coke…

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Waffle iron makes its fourth and final waffle

A WAFFLE iron received as a Christmas present has prepared the fourth and final waffle it will make before spending the rest of its life in a cupboard. 

The Breville-brand ceramic waffle iron, bought on a whim, has turned out tasty waffles enjoyed by the whole Logan family but that is not enough to save it.

Tom Logan, aged 41 and the receipient of the gift, said: “Yeah, it’s brilliant. Hot fresh waffles for a fraction of the price you’d pay if you were out. You have to make the mix though.

“The great thing about waffles is they go with everything, so you can whip them up whenever. You need lots of toppings though. So I’ll have to wait until I’ve got some stuff in.

“It’ll go in the cupboard for now, between the panini press and the breadmaker, but I should imagine I’ll have it out again next weekend. If not sooner.”

The iron will spend approximately two-and-a-half years in the cupboard before being wrongly assumed to be broken and taken to a charity shop which rejects it for having no valid electrical certificate.

The fourth waffle brought the total cost per waffle to £9.92.