Five benefits of not being alive, by Steve Barclay

A LACK of ambulance drivers sounds bad, but have you considered these upsides of being dead? Here health secretary Steve Barclay lists the positives.

No more strikes

Strikes are meant to be a pain, but wouldn’t you rather they stopped happening? Succumbing to death is easier than ever if you live in England or Wales, and you’ll be transported to a world free from Mick Lynch and nurses holding placards. Coincidentally, death was the offer we ran past the unions, but the ungrateful swine wanted more money AND staying alive.

Cost of living crisis: over

Being alive is cripplingly expensive, but rotting in the ground doesn’t cost you a penny. Once you’re in a coffin you don’t have to worry about your electricity bill, the interest rate on your mortgage or the state of your pension. This probably explains why death is so popular that everyone gives it a go sooner or later.

Amazing work/life balance

Balancing professional responsibilities and personal commitments is nigh-on impossible, but only if you’re unlucky enough to be alive. After shuffling off this mortal coil, bosses stop expecting you to fill in spreadsheets and friends only pop round once a year to drop off flowers. You could devote your life to your hobbies and interests, if you had motor functions.

You’ll lose weight

Overdid it at Christmas? Carrying around a few more pounds than you’d like? Try dying. Within days the excess flab will start to rot away, and in a matter of months you’ll be toned to a spindly husk that even Gwyneth Paltrow will be envious of. Best of all you don’t have to lug yourself to the gym or watch what you eat.

Being free from Spare coverage

Rolling coverage of Prince Harry’s memoir is enough to make even the happiest of people yearn for the sweet release of death. And given that he’s bound to churn out a few sequels after his debut sold so well, you’re better off peacefully exiting this mortal plane now to avoid the inevitable drama. Even the good bits of life like Happy Valley and Doritos won’t make up for it.

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Boris Johnson to be removed from history

FORMER prime minister Boris Johnson is not only to be removed from Grant Shapps’ photos but from all recorded history.

Work has already begun on eradicating embarrassing evidence that Johnson was ever prime minister and historians believe that by 2025 there will be no trace of his time in power left.

Professor Helen Archer said: “It’s a big task, but we’re helped by the fact that he did very little.

“For example, he did no interviews for the 2019 election, didn’t bother with most of the pandemic press conferences, and launched no policies, so our work’s done for us there.

“We’ve digitally removed him from footage of parliament, replaced him with Piers Morgan for the referendum campaign on the basis that one inexplicably popular twat journalist is as good as another, and burned his Churchill book. It was remaindered anyway.

“What’s helping us is that the public have really embraced the project. They don’t want to remember and they’re eager to pretend it never happened. Especially if they voted for him.”

She added: “Liz Truss? No, I’m sorry, I don’t know who you’re talking about. We’ve not erased her, I’m just drawing a blank.”