TIRED of not being able to fill out your extra-large jeans? Start piling on the pounds with these surprising tricks that actually work.
Deep fry everything
Scotland has led the way with deep-fried Mars bars and the ‘munchy box’, but there’s room for improvement. Try submerging your five a day in hot fat and watch your calorie intake shoot into quadruple figures. Better still, forget the fruit and veg and fry blocks of lard for a delicious grease-flavoured ‘baked Alaska’.
Eat in the night
A peaceful night of uninterrupted slumber helps you to lose weight, which is terrible news. Instead, set an alarm for 3am and leave a big cake on your bedside table. Help yourself to a few generous slices when you wake up in the dead of night, then marvel as the sugar high makes it impossible to get back to sleep. Result.
You’re probably already doing this while pissing away a small fortune to the gym every month in the process. You can always push yourself to go further though. Try to remain in bed as much as possible in order to make your muscles atrophy into rolls of flab. Even getting up to go to the toilet could burn valuable calories, so invest in a chamber pot.
Drink beer instead of water
Water does not contain any fats, carbohydrates or proteins. In other words it’s an extremely unhealthy beverage. However beer is filled with as many calories as a slice of pizza, so make sure you quaff at least five pints of the stuff a day. Not only will your belly start to stick out, you’ll also get a healthy, ruddy-cheeked glow.
Get reverse liposuction
Still not seeing results? Go to your GP and ask to have fatty deposits piped straight into your body. The effects will be instantaneous, but it’s pricey. Plus you’ll have to endure the incredulous sneers of other overweight people who will point at you and whisper to each other ‘I bet they’ve had work done’. Ignore them – they’re just jealous of the new, dangerously obese you.