Five weird ways to increase belly fat

TIRED of not being able to fill out your extra-large jeans? Start piling on the pounds with these surprising tricks that actually work.

Deep fry everything

Scotland has led the way with deep-fried Mars bars and the ‘munchy box’, but there’s room for improvement. Try submerging your five a day in hot fat and watch your calorie intake shoot into quadruple figures. Better still, forget the fruit and veg and fry blocks of lard for a delicious grease-flavoured ‘baked Alaska’.

Eat in the night

A peaceful night of uninterrupted slumber helps you to lose weight, which is terrible news. Instead, set an alarm for 3am and leave a big cake on your bedside table. Help yourself to a few generous slices when you wake up in the dead of night, then marvel as the sugar high makes it impossible to get back to sleep. Result.

Don’t exercise

You’re probably already doing this while pissing away a small fortune to the gym every month in the process. You can always push yourself to go further though. Try to remain in bed as much as possible in order to make your muscles atrophy into rolls of flab. Even getting up to go to the toilet could burn valuable calories, so invest in a chamber pot.

Drink beer instead of water

Water does not contain any fats, carbohydrates or proteins. In other words it’s an extremely unhealthy beverage. However beer is filled with as many calories as a slice of pizza, so make sure you quaff at least five pints of the stuff a day. Not only will your belly start to stick out, you’ll also get a healthy, ruddy-cheeked glow.

Get reverse liposuction

Still not seeing results? Go to your GP and ask to have fatty deposits piped straight into your body. The effects will be instantaneous, but it’s pricey. Plus you’ll have to endure the incredulous sneers of other overweight people who will point at you and whisper to each other ‘I bet they’ve had work done’. Ignore them – they’re just jealous of the new, dangerously obese you.

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Johnson accidentally throws party at Duke of Edinburgh memorial

THE prime minister was caught throwing an impromptu 120-person party with cheese, wine and a karaoke machine at Westminster Abbey yesterday.

Boris Johnson and wife Carrie attended the memorial service for Prince Philip and initially appeared to be soberly dressed and observing all rules with the proper decorum.

But, following the reading from Isaiah 40 by the Right Honourable the Lord Wallace of Tankerness QC, witnesses noticed that neither Johnson or his wife were in their seats and there was thumping bass music and coloured lighting emanating from the cloisters.

An archdeacon said: “I poked my head around the door and was shocked to see Johnson, his wife, around 100 Downing Street staff and Conservative donors, interior designer Lulu Lytle and Lords Goldsmith, Cruddas and Lebedev partying like there was no tomorrow.

“There was a professional DJ and lightshow, a fully-stocked free bar, and waiters bearing trays of crudites. I personally saw a sweating Michael Gove throwing shapes on the dancefloor to the Major Lazer remix of Shape of You.

“Nonetheless all participants, including the Duke of York, insisted they were not there and it was in any case a meeting where people were talking about work.”

Johnson told the media that he cannot discuss the event because it is under investigation by the Metropolitan Police, following which he will also not discuss it.