RELATIONSHIP problems? Think it might be worth trying your luck with a different species or thing? As with all life decisions, Hollywood films are full of valuable advice.
The Shape of Water
Guillermo del Toro thinks he’s challenging conventional notions of male beauty with a woman having sex with a grotesque blue amphibian. But really it’s a no-brainer. He only knows a few words, so no droning on about his day at work or Aston Villa, and he’s easy to cook for – some fish flakes in his tank should do.
Under the Skin
Alien Scarlett Johansson is picking up men to study and dissolve in a pool of black goo. The rather bleak message: sex inevitably leads to a lonely, impersonal and terrifying death. On the other hand, it is Scarlett Johansson, so you’d definitely do it, you jammy bastard.
Solo: A Star Wars Story
It’s implied that Lando is shagging mechanical-looking robot L3-37, although it may just be crap scriptwriting. Either way, she says of human-droid sex, ‘It works.’ Unfortunately this calls to mind images of Lando trying to force his penis into a small slot like a parking meter. Male viewers will also be unable to shake off the suspicion that going out with Phoebe Waller-Bridge would be f**king hard work.
The Stepford Wives
Husbands are having their wives replaced with utterly obedient robots, although in real life you’d be scared of these creepy automata with their emotionless, repetitive conversation. It’s a passable satire on sexist 1970s attitudes which manages to be sexist itself by casting attractive Nanette Newman as ‘the frumpy one’, the bastards.
Blade Runner 2049
Replicant hunter K spends his evenings wanking over the hologram Joi, which seems like a definite technological step backwards from shagging 40s retro babe Sean Young. Maybe that’s why he’s so depressed and existential all the time.
Did anyone except James Cameron find these blue New Age native American hippies attractive, with their too-wide-apart eyes and flattened Henry Cooper noses? If you’re trying non-human sex with blue things, have the courage of your convictions and shag Smurfette. You know you’ve always been secretly smurf-curious.