Six wanker tradesmen you have to invite into your home

BOILER buggered? Need extra plug sockets putting in? Chances are the workman who comes over will be an opinionated wanker charging you to listen to his crap: 

The electrician disgusted by your ignorance

Simple questions about which circuits govern what and behind which walls your lines run are met with total incomprehension, much to his contempt. It’s the worst kind of bigging yourself up and you could burst his bubble by mentioning your own specialist workplace skills. Pointless though, as he knows every other job is bullshit.

The one who’s always buggering off

This tradesman keeps leaving to get another part from the yard. However he disappears so often you’re starting to think a more plausible explanation is that he’s leading a secret life as a superhero and keeps hearing a bank robbery six towns away.

The twat with right-wing opinions

Not all tradesmen, no, but there’s always one who jumps right in with his obnoxious views. You keep your input to a noncommittal ‘Mmm’, thus tacitly agreeing that the EU is sabotaging Brexit because they’re funding a radical Islamic takeover. It’s cowardly, but you try sticking to your principles when the toilet’s been broken a week.

The football monomaniac

Not into football? A visit from this dishwasher installer involves an enormous amount of bluffing. Of course you could grow a pair and admit straight out you don’t follow football, but somehow your brain makes you say feeble things like ‘Yes, I hear Liverpool are back on top like in the Ian… Rush? days.’

Passive-aggressive class warrior

He’s definitely got a bad attitude because you work on a laptop and have a degree. You only wanted some floorboards in the loft, not bloody class war, and it’s actually quite annoying because you’re not privileged in any way. Still, he’s set the tone, so you won’t be offering an Earl Grey or dark chocolate ginger biscuits to this beastly plebeian.

The ignorant know-it-all

This polymath knows everything from the true motivations of the government to what universities teach these days. Unfortunately it’s all bollocks. And it will soon become apparent when he says ‘Ted Heath used to have threesomes with Cliff Richard and Reggie Kray, but there was a cover-up.’

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Should you feel sorry for Roman Abramovich? Take our quiz

ROMAN Abramovich has apparently been poisoned, but should you feel sorry for an oligarch who’s a close acquaintance of Putin? 

Are you a Chelsea fan?

A) I have a tattoo of a lion holding a staff on my left arm, John Terry in shinpads on the right and a backpiece of a ghostly Matthew Harding over Stamford Bridge which to be honest has dated a bit. So yes.
B) No.

How important is football to you?

A) The only time I have ever cried is when we got relegated in 1988. It was Britain’s darkest hour, worst than the war.
B) I tune into the World Cup if we get to the semis, even though I know we’ll lose.

What do you think of oligarchies?

A) Small groups of powerful people should not run countries. They should stay where they belong, allowing great football clubs to achieve their destinies.
B) They are very bad and like everyone else in the UK I wish I wasn’t living in one.

Poisoning: is it ever okay?

A) It’s inhuman. Especially when it happens to a man who’s brought such overwhelming joy to so many, and a couple of Ukranians.
B) No, it’s very bad. As is spending two decades making billions thanks to staying in the good books of a man who resorts to poisoning so often he could release his own signature nerve toxin called Perfidy.

Is it an attempt to interfere with the Ukranian peace process? 

A) I can’t see how. They poisoned both sides, after all, which is very even-handed. I think we should focus on the real victims in all this: Roman and the lads in The Shed.
B) I decline to answer out of a very real concern for my own personal safety.


Mostly As: As a lifelong Chelsea fan with a soft spot for oligarchs, your heart bleeds for Roman Abramovich. He’s already lost the club he loves and his yacht. The poor man’s suffered enough.

Mostly Bs: You’re uninterested in football, equivocal on Ukraine, and generally sit on the fence. And it’s not hard to find people who’ve got it harder than Abramovich, so feel sorry for them instead.