The soft-as-shite bloke's guide to avoiding violence

DO you sometimes wish you could resort to violence like Will Smith? Sadly, the option’s unavailable for those not hard in any way. Here’s the reality:

Fights aren’t like in films

Film fights are designed so you can tell what’s going on. Real fights are a high-speed flurry of vicious punches and kicks, and if you lands you’re f**ked. Once you’re in a ball on the floor trying to protect your face you won’t be doing cool blocks and counters from John Wick.

You might cry

During your last fight at primary school you burst into tears. You really don’t want that as an adult. So if someone gives you grief in a pub, do nothing. Being slightly humiliated instead of totally humiliated is definitely a victory.

You don’t know how to do threats

What do you say to a co-worker you want to threaten? ‘Pack it in or I’m going to twat you’ sounds a bit juvenile. ‘Hit you’? Too clinical and nerdy. ‘Batter you’ sounds like a Northern caricature. Your threats will cause more puzzlement than fear.

Your opponent always has the element of surprise

A sudden threat can leave you paralysed. The only solution is to constantly expect violence at any second like Jason Bourne does, which will kill you from heart fatigue aged 50 and in the meantime puts a real damper on walks in the park, going on holiday or visiting farmers’ markets.

You’re crap at punching

A pretty big obstacle to fighting. It’s surprisingly easy to miss, and punching someone even slightly taller than you is knackering. If your feeble attacks are hardly doing any damage, you might just be winding your opponent up like throwing tennis balls at a bear. That won’t end well.

You can’t just go around hitting people

Employers are terrified of legal action over bullying. ‘Gavin was disrespecting me so I kneed him in the groin then went in with the head’ is up there with ‘they caught me stealing’ as the worst possible responses to ‘Why did you leave your last job?’ You’ll need a one f**k of a CV to pull that one back.

You could go too far

You may be puny, but when the red mist descends who knows what you’re capable of doing? You might break all their limbs or rip their eyeballs out. Obviously this is bollocks, but in your own mind it’s a great face-saving way of avoiding a fight.

War, famine, why my wife left me: five things that are the fault of trans women according to newspaper columnists

NEED a convenient scapegoat for everything wrong with society? Why not pin it all on the transgender community, like broadsheet columnists do? 

The invasion of Ukraine

Forget history – it’s pretty obvious that the world’s complex geopolitical tensions could be easily solved if trans people just stopped. Putin has made it clear he was provoked into a massive land war by the unjustified cancelling of JK Rowling. And who can blame him?

Kids going hungry

Suffering in the cost-of-living crisis? It’s all down to damn trans people demanding gender-neutral hummus and multi-genital blood napkins. Children now starve at school because their lunchtime is taken up by mandatory trans worship, cleverly disguised as lessons on being kind.

Delayed trains

If only trans people weren’t demanding announcers include non-binary genders, agender people, two-spirits and a comprehensive rundown of queer identities, trains could leave on time. But individually-pronouned tickets mean there’s no chance. Apparently it’s okay to be yourself, but not okay for me to get to Didcot Parkway on time. Double standards?

Inflation

Just as trans people are taking ever-rising numbers of hormones, according to Mumsnet, inflation started spiralling. Coincidence? The economy has tanked not because of Brexit or the pandemic, but because of the terrible gender plague ravaging the land. Trust me, a qualified art history graduate, on this one.

Why my wife left

I’m a perfectly reasonable dude who only spends twenty hours a day yelling at transgender people on Twitter, so it must be their fault. They drugged her with the puberty blockers now handed out in parks like sweets and she’s being held hostage until she can think of twelve new genders. Why won’t the world listen?