HAVING children really is a lot of work. Someone should have warned you. But when your parenting skills fail here are some TV shows that will hopefully pick up the slack.
A modern cartoon classic from Australia. The emphasis here is creativity, ‘play time’ and ‘make-believe’. Your kid might turn out a bit soft, but at least they’ll f**k off and invent their own bullshit games. Hopefully their imagination will become so developed they’ll think they’re playing with you, when actually you’re down the pub.
Watch more than five minutes of this and you’ll realise Peppa is a naughty little shit who’d do more good in a Sausage McMuffin than on TV. But it IS an accurate portrayal of family dynamics. She relentlessly bullies her younger brother George and exploits her stupid dad’s good nature while her downtrodden mum looks on smiling weakly. Very educational.
Why teach your kids stuff when you’ve got the ‘72-inch LCD screen babysitter’? Plonk them in front of Count von Count – maths is the creepy vampire’s problem now. Who cares if they develop a New York accent? If they get lippy and start asking what species Big Bird is and that sort of thing, tell them Cookie Monster will bite their faces off in their sleep.
At some stage your children will reach school age. Spoiler: they’ll hate it. Luckily 80s reruns of Grange Hill are hardcore: non-stop bullying, overt racism and Zammo off his tits on heroin. Stop their strops at breakfast and bleating about tests by claiming there’s a nearby school just like Grange Hill and you can always enrol them in that.
By the time your kids grow up, the ice caps will be gone and many species extinct. So introduce them to nature while you can. Attenborough is a bit advanced, so start with a plasticine, stop-motion penguin who spends his entire life gorging on fish and going ‘noot noot’. The show also develops your child’s language skills when they suddenly say ‘Please, I’m begging you, can we change channels, Mummy?’
It’s never too early for your kids to start learning about the world of work. In this 70s classic a man does a different job every day – the perfect representation of the gig economy! Of course, if it was made now, Mr Benn’s careers wouldn’t be knight or spaceman, they’d be Uber, Deliveroo and OnlyFans.