Hands like sandpaper 'are the sexiest hands'

RAW, chapped hands are now the only hands Britons can bear to have touch them, they have confirmed. 

The new craze for thoroughly washing your hands upwards of eight times a day means that hands so clean they feel like industrial sandpaper are now considered highly erotic by women and men alike.

Emma Bradford of Hull said: “My hands are now at the point where the skin is is as rough as splintered wood, and I couldn’t be happier.

“I wash them at least ten times a day even though I don’t leave the house, and every time I do I sing Bohemian Rhapsody all the way through twice, even the guitar solo. And my sex life has never been hotter.

“I scraped them along my husband’s hip and he said he felt like he was being caressed by a 19th-century whaler after three years at sea. We made beautiful love that night.”

Sex blogger Francesca Johnson said: “I urge people to be very cautious of anyone they see with baby-soft hands. They are sick, infectious deviants.

“My own hands are so rough that by rubbing them together I produce enough sparks to start a fire. And that drives men wild.”

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Five coronavirus lessons the world will instantly forget when this is over

HUMANITY has been reminded of what’s truly important by COVID-19. Here’s five lessons we’ll forget the moment it’s gone: 

Supermarket staff deserve respect

Last month you cursed checkout staff for scanning your shopping too fast. But now they’re  key workers on the frontline of a virus while earning paid minimum wage, you should probably hold them in higher esteem. Maybe write it down so you remember.

Experts give good advice

Truth-averse politicians openly disdained expertise until now, but suddenly people who’s studied a field their whole lives are being deferred to as if they know things. Don’t worry, once this crisis is over we can all believe Nigel Farage instead once again.

Too many jobs are bullshit

The world didn’t stop turning because SEO consultants had to work from home, confirming a suspicion that lots of jobs are nothing more than a grandiose title. If this sounds like you, perhaps use your furlough to learn a skill that’s actually useful.

Basic hygiene is important

Back in the day you would maybe wash your hands after taking a dump or handling raw meat, or both. Now you’re rigorously cleaning them every hour. A week after everything’s died down you’ll likely go back to a quick rinse after bagging dogshit.

Health is a public good

The more people are healthy, the less danger healthy people are in from unhealthy people. So the first policy after all this dies down will be banning migrants and EU citizens from using the NHS. To save money.