Lockdown forcing woman to realise just how bad her diet is

A WOMAN is horrified at the sheer amount of crap she eats on a daily basis now she is at stuck at home. 

Donna Sheridan, aged 32, is forced to admit that her diet is, and has always been, that of a carb-starved long-distance runner except it is just her sitting at home.

She said: “I’m in and out of meetings, I’m in the car, I grab this, I grab that, I order takeout because it’s been a stressful day. Who could quantify that? I never even tried.

“But now I realise that Flamin’ Hot Monster Munch, a Mars, a coffee and a packet of ham is probably not the healthiest thing to be eating at 10am.

“The living room bin looks like it should be in a sixth-form common room. The recycling basket’s like when that Gillian McKeith used to show families what they eat. I’m genuinely surprised I’ve not died yet.

“I thought headaches, bad guts stomach and sugar crashes were work stress. But perhaps I shouldn’t have been washing down Firestick Pepperami with Lucozade and Rennies.

“Dinner’s any time between 3pm and 1am, and how you’d describe it I don’t know. The easiest way would be ‘spicy, mostly yellow’.

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Queen: 'Stay in't 'ouse, you'll be reet'

THE Queen has instructed Britain to stay indoors, sup a few cans, watch telly and keep its head down until ‘all this bollocks is over’. 

In a stirring address to the nation Her Royal Majesty told her subjects to give each other ‘a wide bloody berth’ in public and that ‘if they want a bit of sun, there’s nowt wrong wi’ laying out in’t yard’.

The historic address, only the fifth special televised broadcast of her reign and the first since since her emotional tribute to Sir Alex Ferguson after his 2013 resignation, was made from her palace in Bolton and focused on good solid common sense.

She continued: “Don’t bugger about driving to hills or that crap. Police have got enough going on without you being a fancy bollocks. If you want a view, look out t’window.

“You’ve got your kids home, you’re off work, happy days. I’m 94 next month and I’ve not got it because I’m being careful.

“Anne’s getting me bits from Morrison’s when I need them and she leaves it at end of drive. The great-grandkids Facetime and Charles blathers down the phone. Too much if I’m honest.

“Stay in’t ‘ouse, put brew on, don’t go out being a lairy dickhead. There. Why that’s hard I’ll never bloody know.”