Have you gone from joking about the coronavirus to quietly shitting yourself?

HAVE you gone from ridiculing media scare stories about the coronavirus to panicking that you’re going to die? Hide your fear with these tips: 

Invent excuses to stay in the house

It’s embarrassing to admit your terror when last week you were taking the p*ss, so claim that you sprained your ankle walking to the kitchen, are trying not to get caught up in ‘county lines’ drug-dealing, or are binge-watching Homes Under The Hammer from the beginning.


Continue to mock anyone who’s worried about the coronavirus – ‘The Crown virus? Yeah, that show is a danger to public health, haha’ – while immediately becoming very serious when anyone mentions COVID-19, hoping nobody will realise they’re the same thing.

Get heavy-duty facial protection 

Those little surgical masks are worse than useless, so go on the internet and pick up an old Soviet army surplus chemical warfare mask. If people ask why you’re wearing this terrifying item in Sainsbury’s, joke that you’re attending the local Conservative Club’s sex party.

Avoid Brighton 

Brighton is ground zero for the coronavirus in the UK. Stay away, and if you encounter anyone displaying Brightonian tendencies – veganism, skateboarding to an office job, claiming their profession to be ‘ethical DJ’ – seal them in concrete immediately.

Build a hermetically sealed virus shelter 

A shed, spare room or loft are ideal for building an airtight bunker using plastic sheeting, electrical tape and bathroom sealant. Pretend that the baseball bat and a nail gun you’re keeping around to kill ‘the infected’ are just because you’re doing Walking Dead cosplay.

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I just wanted my own TV show, admits Greta Thunberg

CLIMATE activist Greta Thunberg has confirmed that starring in her own reality TV show was the entire point from the start. 

The 17-year-old Swede has landed her own BBC series and confessed that she also hopes to appear on Running Wild With Bear Grylls, I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and, eventually, Come Dine With Me. 

She said: “All the usual routes to fame – YouTube, Love Island, child star gone bad – are so well-trodden that nobody pays attention. But climate activism was fresh and different.

“Now I’ve got global fame, I’m ready to capitalise on it. The show will be about my love life, the launch of my eco-friendly make-up range, and my Twitter row with Jesy from Little Mix.

“Then I’ll hit the circuit and invite Hello! into my home, do Celebrity Bake Off and Strictly, put on four stone, get snapped by the paparazzi, appear on the front of OK! under the headline ‘GRETA FATBERG!’, lose it all and release my own diet plan.

“Then it’s the Loose Women panel for the rest of my life. The world? It’ll burn. But it’s not like I’m actually making any difference to that now, is it?”