Sunday, 25th October 2020

Have you gone from joking about the coronavirus to quietly sh*tting yourself?

HAVE you gone from ridiculing media scare stories about the coronavirus to panicking that you’re going to die? Hide your fear with these tips: 

Invent excuses to stay in the house

It’s embarrassing to admit your terror when last week you were taking the p*ss, so claim that you sprained your ankle walking to the kitchen, are trying not to get caught up in ‘county lines’ drug-dealing, or are binge-watching Homes Under The Hammer from the beginning.

Differentiate

Continue to mock anyone who’s worried about the coronavirus – ‘The Crown virus? Yeah, that show is a danger to public health, haha’ – while immediately becoming very serious when anyone mentions COVID-19, hoping nobody will realise they’re the same thing.

Get heavy-duty facial protection 

Those little surgical masks are worse than useless, so go on the internet and pick up an old Soviet army surplus chemical warfare mask. If people ask why you’re wearing this terrifying item in Sainsbury’s, joke that you’re attending the local Conservative Club’s sex party.

Avoid Brighton 

Brighton is ground zero for the coronavirus in the UK. Stay away, and if you encounter anyone displaying Brightonian tendencies – veganism, skateboarding to an office job, claiming their profession to be ‘ethical DJ’ – seal them in concrete immediately.

Build a hermetically sealed virus shelter 

A shed, spare room or loft are ideal for building an airtight bunker using plastic sheeting, electrical tape and bathroom sealant. Pretend that the baseball bat and a nail gun you’re keeping around to kill ‘the infected’ are just because you’re doing Walking Dead cosplay.