Are you enough of a twat to become Instagram famous?

ARE you prepared to spend time and money doing stupid bullsh*t so strangers will Like and Follow you on Instagram? Find out: 

How many times did you get dressed this morning?

A) Once, which was one too many
B) I tried on eleven different outfits and took 40 different selfies of each with subtly different expressions on my face, before choosing the perfect shot

What did you eat for breakfast?

A) A pint of coffee and a Cadbury’s Creme Egg
B) Nothing because that would be food, but I made a plate of duck egg pancakes with goji berries, photographed them and chucked them in the bin

How many pets do you own?

A) One miserable cat that I largely ignore until it craps in the kitchen and I shout at it
B) Six miniature sausage dogs I force to wear matching jumpers while posing on a vintage record player

What’s your holiday itinerary like?

A) Arrive, sit by pool drinking, pass out, repeat
B) Go to iconic locations and join the queue of other people forcing their partners to take photos of themselves in apparent isolation against a stunning backdrop

Do you want to have a job?

A) No, but I accept it as a necessary evil
B) No, and there’s no limit to the amount of twattery I will go through to avoid it

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Your life is weird and a bit sad, but you aren’t a massive twat.

Mostly Bs: You are a massive twat in a world of massive twats all battling it out to become Emperor of the Twats. But hey, sometimes you get free stuff.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Man achieves perfect work-life balance by quitting job

A MAN has achieved the perfect balance between his personal life and professional duties by quitting the latter entirely.

Former marketing supervisor Tom Booker worked out the optimum time for enjoying leisure activities could only be freed up by stopping wearing a suit and going to an office for eight hours a day five times a week.

Booker said: “It’s all about achieving the right balance. And eventually I realised that can’t possibly be done when only doing the stuff you like at evenings and weekends.

“So I walked out, and ever since I’ve found I’ve got so much more time for video games, for hobbies, for long lie-ins and simply for standing out in nature, breathing deeply, centering myself.

“I feel sorry for all of my mates who are too busy to join me because they’re stuck in the rat race. I meet them in the pub on a Wednesday and they’re all work work work and leaving at 10pm. While I’m just totally relaxed.

“People say there are no quick fixes to achieving a harmonious work-life balance, but I’ve proved them totally wrong.

“Try it yourself. There are literally no downsides.”