'Heavy flow' and four other phrases to make your dad leave the room

NEED to get your elderly father out of your immediate vicinity? Try out these phrases and watch him instantly remember something he needed from the kitchen:

Heavy flow

Commenting on your flow or even anything vaguely related to periods will immediately get your dad moving towards the door. Throw in that it has been particularly heavy, however, and he will be gone faster than you can say ‘super plus ultra absorbency’.

Pelvic floor

Your dad doesn’t even know what a pelvic floor is, just that it’s somewhere in the vicinity of ‘down there’ and women talk mysteriously about how it ‘goes’ and they need to do exercises to strengthen it. It’s best ignored, which he can achieve by going out into the garden for three hours.

Discharge

He isn’t entirely sure what this is, but he is sure that he doesn’t want to find out. This word sends him into such a panic that even if you were using it in the context of someone firing a gun he will immediately leg it.

Difficult labour

You were born in the days before men were routinely present in the labour ward, so hearing phrases like ‘cervix dilation’, ‘afterbirth’ and ‘forceps’ are too much for his delicate ears. In fact, as soon as you mention waters breaking he’ll be in the kitchen with 5 Live on at a deafening volume.

Hot flushes

Hot flushes in themselves sound harmless but it’s the other stuff that comes with it that freaks him out. Discuss the menopause enough and your dad will even take up a new hobby to keep him away from the house for weeks, purely out of fear that the situation will escalate to mention of ‘dryness’.

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The five worst dogs to get you chatted up in the park

APART from companionship, the main reason people get dogs is so that strangers chat them up in the park. Here are five breeds that definitely won’t get you laid.

Corgi

These little dogs certainly look cute, but they’re a conversational black hole because every chat will immediately be about the Queen. And unless you happen to share a particularly odd kink, there isn’t much flirty chat to be had about our 94-year-old head of state.

Staffie

These poor dogs suffer from a bad reputation which means that everyone who encounters you will assume you’re a terrifying psychopath who recently got out of prison and is looking for the local illegal dog fight. The only people who won’t give you an incredibly wide berth will be very scary themselves.

German Shepherd

Take one of these massive pointy-eared brutes out for a stroll and the message you’re sending out is ‘I decided to get a pet which is actually a guard dog favoured by the police, security guards and the Nazis’. This may put some people off.

Pug

A pug’s tiny legs mean you will be dawdling unattractively round your local park like an old lady and, even if by some miracle someone did approach you for a chat, their wheezy breathing will distract from any flirting. Plus it’s impossible to look cool when you have to bend down to pick up a teeny tiny shit.

Siberian Husky

Are these dogs beautiful or do they look like the canine version of Paul Hollywood? Either way, they’re known to be a nightmare to train which means you have only chosen one because it looks like you own a wolf. People will assume you’re a tragic macho weirdo who probably also collects samurai swords.