Covid rules probably end this weekend pretty much, Britain agrees

THE UK has agreed that since it is almost April, the sun is out and the Welsh can get haircuts then it must be legal to do stuff again. 

Across the country people are visiting family members indoors, meeting in large groups in parks, and doing other things they are pretty sure the government has allowed them to do round about now.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “It’s like Dry January doesn’t actually end on January 31st, it’s the nearest weekend. Lockdowns work the same. So I’m off round John’s for a few cans, then I’m at my mum’s for tea.

“All in the garden of course. Unless it rains. Although now the rules have finished we might as well be indoors just in case.

“Then on Sunday my friend Emma’s having a party, because that’s only like getting a haircut with a load of people you know.”

19-year-old Grace Wood-Morris agreed: “Data not dates, Chris Whitty said, so that means you don’t have to stick to the dates if you’re going on the data. And the data is I really, really need to see my mates.

“It’s sort of around now we’re allowed to meet in groups. I think they said groups of six, so that probably means six households and 40 people. It’s just a matter of using your common sense.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Single man changing duvet cover trying to remember how he did it this time last year

A BACHELOR replacing his duvet cover with a clean one is facing his annual battle to remember how the f**k it is done.

Tom Logan last changed his bed linen before lockdown and was forced to do it again when the smell became unbearable, resulting in a tussle that lasted several hours.

Logan said: “We can send a rover to Mars but when it comes to making a duvet cover a lazy single man can put on, we’re in the Stone Age.

“I found myself crawling on my belly across the bed like Andy McNab on a mission in occupied territory holding two cover corners in search of two corners of duvet. Could I find them? Of course not.

“Then I tried just stuffing the duvet in but that just resulted in a big lump that somehow could not be flattened out.” 

Logan has currently settled for the compromise of sleeping under the bare duvet with the cover on top. 

He added: “Don’t think I’m giving up. That duvet is my obsession, my Moby Dick. I’ll make it fit somehow. So I’ve phoned my sister and she’s coming over to do it. First time I’ll have seen her in a year.”