The devious Scottish ploy to give nurses a four per cent pay rise: how it works

GIVING NHS nurses a decent pay rise is the latest in Scotland’s long line of nefarious plans. Here’s how the diabolical scheme will play out.

Blatant bribery

Scottish nurses will be tempted with a blatant bribe in the form of a reasonable pay packet. They will be grossly insulted because if they’re anything like NHS staff in England they’re not in it for the money and the occasional round of applause is all they need. That’s why Boris Johnson’s proposed one per cent pay rise went down so well.

Nurses will have too much disposable income

Even so, nurses will accept the bribe. Scottish nurses will be corrupted by their new-found wealth and start splashing out on luxuries such as cars and food. And what have they done to deserve their riches except save lives? Everyone knows that generous salaries should go to the real heroes of the pandemic – government ministers and their chums.

England’s NHS will be wrecked – which is what the Scots want

Before you know it there will be a gold rush of nurses fleeing to Scotland for a better quality of life. England will be forced to retrain whoever is available, and with EU migrants leaving, next time you go into hospital expect to be looked after by a self-service checkout.

It will win Sturgeon votes

Treating valuable members of the community well is all part of Nicola Sturgeon’s Machiavellian plan to win votes. This is a cynical move you would never expect from Downing Street, which would never fritter cash on things that are not absolutely necessary.

Scotland will become independent

Independence is the endgame of everything Scotland does. Newly-rich NHS workers will vote for Scottish independence and break up the union. But then Scotland will go bankrupt because it’s economic madness to give nurses a modest pay rise. Serves them right.

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Rishi Sunak's incredibly strong reasons why you want to go back to the office

RISHI here, the Robin to Boris’s Batman. And I’m battling on behalf of you, the workers desperate to go back to the office. Here’s why: 

You need that company culture

How can you be part of a company’s rich, thriving culture, like a yoghurt forgotten in a bag, when you’re only Zooming in? You need to be there, boots on the ground, to see your boss leaving at 3.30pm every Friday, or to sign that leaving card for Sienna who got made redundant and had her tasks given to you for no extra money. There’s no substitute.

You could quit

If you get used to the relative comfort of working from home without a three-hour commute costing £180 per week, you might lose your taste for the office grind altogether. Before you know it you’ll be quitting your job for something more fulfilling, and who’s going to pay the train company for your rip-off season ticket then?

You need to riff

God, I miss the riffing. You know? The business riffing that makes the office environment so thrilling? When two people pass in a corridor, suddenly feel that chemistry and start riffing, and within minutes they’ve come up with a bold new B2B marketing concept? You don’t know that? I pity you. 

You need to team-build

A good team is like a family, only better because it’s more economically productive. Admit it, your life has been empty since you stopped hearing about Marie’s husband’s back problems, Sarah’s dachshund’s ear infection, why Rob can’t make the tea and the refund Kev’s struggling to get from eBay. That’s where success is built. 

You need to support Conservative donors who own London office buildings

And just as important as your immediate team is the wider team; the team of developers, landlords and extortionate coffee chains who work invisibly to make your office possible. Never asking for thanks or acknowledgement, just your rent and the daily £4.85 for your venti latte. You need to show them you care. And stop them hassling me on the phone daily.