Monday, 19th April 2021

The devious Scottish ploy to give nurses a four per cent pay rise: how it works

GIVING NHS nurses a decent pay rise is the latest in Scotland’s long line of nefarious plans. Here’s how the diabolical scheme will play out.

Blatant bribery

Scottish nurses will be tempted with a blatant bribe in the form of a reasonable pay packet. They will be grossly insulted because if they’re anything like NHS staff in England they’re not in it for the money and the occasional round of applause is all they need. That’s why Boris Johnson’s proposed one per cent pay rise went down so well.

Nurses will have too much disposable income

Even so, nurses will accept the bribe. Scottish nurses will be corrupted by their new-found wealth and start splashing out on luxuries such as cars and food. And what have they done to deserve their riches except save lives? Everyone knows that generous salaries should go to the real heroes of the pandemic – government ministers and their chums.

England’s NHS will be wrecked – which is what the Scots want

Before you know it there will be a gold rush of nurses fleeing to Scotland for a better quality of life. England will be forced to retrain whoever is available, and with EU migrants leaving, next time you go into hospital expect to be looked after by a self-service checkout.

It will win Sturgeon votes

Treating valuable members of the community well is all part of Nicola Sturgeon’s Machiavellian plan to win votes. This is a cynical move you would never expect from Downing Street, which would never fritter cash on things that are not absolutely necessary.

Scotland will become independent

Independence is the endgame of everything Scotland does. Newly-rich NHS workers will vote for Scottish independence and break up the union. But then Scotland will go bankrupt because it’s economic madness to give nurses a modest pay rise. Serves them right.