DESPERATE for attention? Sick of some virus stealing your thunder? Here’s how to make this global pandemic all about you.
Outdo everyone else’s moans
Everyone’s going through hell right now, so make things worse by turning misery into a pathetic competition. When your friends complain about balancing a job with childcare, immediately start in on the ordeal you’re suffering with laggy Zoom calls to work.
Mourn your cancelled events
Posting pictures of exciting events to Facebook was a tried and tested way for boring people to get attention. Now that’s impossible you’ll have to write a long-winded status mourning every gig and family occasion you’re missing, concluding by telling everyone to ‘stay safe’.
Clap for the NHS the loudest
Applauding healthcare workers with your hands just doesn’t cut it any more. Try clanging pots and pans, letting off fireworks, or setting off klaxons to prove you’re the most grateful Briton, then feign disbelief when your professionally-filmed efforts go viral.
Worry loudly about your health
If you can’t beat COVID-19, you might as well convince people you’ve joined it. Alert everyone about your slightly raised temperature, joint aches and general peakiness, claim it must be coronavirus and milk it for all it’s worth.
Use it for political gain
Looking to get re-elected? The coronavirus is a golden opportunity to prove you’re a competent leader that people can get behind. Even if you’ve completely botched the response and have one of the highest death tolls in the world, just say positive things and you’re a winner.