How to make the pandemic all about you

DESPERATE for attention? Sick of some virus stealing your thunder? Here’s how to make this global pandemic all about you.

Outdo everyone else’s moans

Everyone’s going through hell right now, so make things worse by turning misery into a pathetic competition. When your friends complain about balancing a job with childcare, immediately start in on the ordeal you’re suffering with laggy Zoom calls to work.

Mourn your cancelled events

Posting pictures of exciting events to Facebook was a tried and tested way for boring people to get attention. Now that’s impossible you’ll have to write a long-winded status mourning every gig and family occasion you’re missing, concluding by telling everyone to ‘stay safe’.

Clap for the NHS the loudest

Applauding healthcare workers with your hands just doesn’t cut it any more. Try clanging pots and pans, letting off fireworks, or setting off klaxons to prove you’re the most grateful Briton, then feign disbelief when your professionally-filmed efforts go viral.

Worry loudly about your health

If you can’t beat COVID-19, you might as well convince people you’ve joined it. Alert everyone about your slightly raised temperature, joint aches and general peakiness, claim it must be coronavirus and milk it for all it’s worth.

Use it for political gain

Looking to get re-elected? The coronavirus is a golden opportunity to prove you’re a competent leader that people can get behind. Even if you’ve completely botched the response and have one of the highest death tolls in the world, just say positive things and you’re a winner.

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I miss being Britain's biggest arsehole, says Piers Morgan

PIERS Morgan is itching to get back to being the most obnoxious prick in the UK, it has emerged. 

Since the COVID-19 crisis began, Morgan has shocked the nation by being one of the few members of the docile British media prepared to hold the government to account for their woeful handling of the pandemic.

But the former twat admits he misses pathetically trolling Gary Lineker on Twitter only to come off second-best, and that life is not the same since he stopped pretending America’s worst-ever president was a cool guy.

He continued: “This pandemic has brought out the best in me. I don’t like it.

“Doing the right thing, standing up for the little guy, treating celebrities as vacuous irrelevances. Bordering on being some sort of lefty, at times. What happened to Piers the total tossrag?

“As soon as all this is over I’m going right back to the old me. It’s the little things I miss, like using my 7.4 million Twitter followers in a pile-on a vegan, or calling a ban on fire-juggling in primary schools political correctness gone mad.

“For now I’ll do the right thing because someone has to and that someone, astonishingly, is me. But God, I’m looking forward to being prince of wankers once more.”