Boris Johnson’s guide to baby names

IS Winston Zipwire Johnson too much? Here are some other names for my new son that will start him on the road to greatness.

King Boris Johnson
People irrationally adore me as though I’m a member of the royal family rather than a worryingly incompetent politician with funny hair, and will want to treat my baby as the saviour of Great Britain. Might as well give him a suitably regal name for them to fawn over.

Donald Junior Johnson
Donald Trump is a wonderful role model and I know he’ll be touched by an homage like this. It might also help with those trade deals I need to get nailed down once the transition period is over.

Daily Telegraph Johnson
It’s traditional to name your children in tribute to those who have helped you get where you are today. In my case it’s a lunatic newspaper, but I think it has a wonderful ring to it.

Levi Asher Johnson
I’m desperate to be man of the people, despite the fact that I went to Eton and my middle name is ‘de Pfeffel’. Giving my son a populist moniker will make the public believe I’m one of them, even though I still secretly yearn to burn £50 notes in their faces for a laugh.

Dominic Cummings Johnson
He’s the shadowy puppet master behind everything else I do, so I might as well just call the kid this now and be done with it.

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Five easy ways to create cheap lockdown thrills

NOW that the novelty has worn off not going to work and you’ve watched everything on Netflix, what can you do to create some quick fix highs in life under lockdown? 

Turn up the heat
Quite literally add some spice to your life by adding shit tons of chilli powder to everything you eat. It doesn’t matter what you’re shovelling down: baked beans, yoghurt, a jar of Nutella — never give your tastebuds a chance to relax. A surprised mouth is an alive mouth.

Read a book
Chances are you haven’t picked up an actual book in so long, it will feel like a genuine sensory explosion. Which way up do you hold it, what are words, where are the pictures, doesn’t it have a screen? More than enough questions to set your bored lockdown brain on fire.

Fondle your vegetables clean
Every item of food you buy is going to need to be fanatically cleaned. Lather up those loose courgettes and carrots and give them a hygienic hand shandy. It’ll be bigger thrills than you’re getting from your partner now that you’re sick to death of each other’s faces.

Re-think your porn consumption
After six solid weeks, looking at naked human bodies has probably lost its thrill, so try thinking outside the box when it comes to getting frisky. For flat-dwellers, pictures of gardens can work wonders. Ex-commuters are likely to blow their load as soon as they set eyes on an image of an empty train carriage.

Repeatedly hit yourself over the head
If all else fails, repeatedly battering yourself around the head with a hard object should do the trick. First you’ll feel dizzy and then you’ll have a headache. It’s like getting drunk, but for free.