Friday, 30th October 2020

Boris Johnson’s guide to baby names

IS Winston Zipwire Johnson too much? Here are some other names for my new son that will start him on the road to greatness.

King Boris Johnson
People irrationally adore me as though I’m a member of the royal family rather than a worryingly incompetent politician with funny hair, and will want to treat my baby as the saviour of Great Britain. Might as well give him a suitably regal name for them to fawn over.

Donald Junior Johnson
Donald Trump is a wonderful role model and I know he’ll be touched by an homage like this. It might also help with those trade deals I need to get nailed down once the transition period is over.

Daily Telegraph Johnson
It’s traditional to name your children in tribute to those who have helped you get where you are today. In my case it’s a lunatic newspaper, but I think it has a wonderful ring to it.

Levi Asher Johnson
I’m desperate to be man of the people, despite the fact that I went to Eton and my middle name is ‘de Pfeffel’. Giving my son a populist moniker will make the public believe I’m one of them, even though I still secretly yearn to burn £50 notes in their faces for a laugh.

Dominic Cummings Johnson
He’s the shadowy puppet master behind everything else I do, so I might as well just call the kid this now and be done with it.