Father quietly ditches dream of year-long campervan trip

A MIDDLE-CLASS father who always said he would love to go on a year-long campervan trip around the world with his family has quietly revised his plans.

Joseph Turner and wife Eleanor hoped that one day they would take sabbaticals from work and have some quality family time in a classic vehicle, believing it would be liberating to take the children out of school and away from the trappings of consumerism.

Turner said: “Since lockdown I’ve realised how much I enjoy the trappings of consumerism and living in a large, spacious house. I still want to travel round the world, more than ever, but definitely not in a confined space with my wife.

“I’m also very keen on the children going to school every day. If we can’t successfully home school from a three-bed semi in Crawley, I don’t think it will work from an overheated tin box in a field just outside Valencia.”

He added: “My new lifetime dream is to go back to the office and have a sandwich in peace.”

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Flatmates wondering how much longer before they sleep with each other

TWO flatmates trapped together under lockdown are increasingly aware it is only a matter of time before they crack and shag each other.

Nikki Hollis has never fancied Stephen Malley, but after six weeks in lockdown she has found herself coming round to the idea that he is not utterly repulsive either.

Hollis said: “He definitely seems more attractive than he did. I don’t know if that’s because he’s now got a lockdown beard covering most of his face or it’s simply the magnetic pull of having zero other options.

“Even the sofa is starting to look quite rugged and handsome.”

Malley said: “The possibility of getting it on with Nikki was the first thought that passed through my head when the lockdown was announced, even before fear for my job or my family’s safety.

“My mates used to joke that it would take a global apocalypse to get her to sleep with me. I never thought I’d be so grateful to a deadly pathogen.”