How to TikTok, by Jacob Rees-Mogg

SALUTATIONS. I have recently been introduced to TikTok by one of my many children and found myself having a raucously good time. Thus, I present some tips on how to become a most splendid meme-lord.

Lip-sync to a Gregorian chant
Nothing gets people invigorated more than lip-syncing to popular artists of the modern age. My personal favourite song is the Latin ‘Signum Magnum’, written for the Introit of the Feast of the Assumption of the Virgin Mary, but I suppose Dua Lipa will do at a push.

Invent an Elizabethan TikTok Dance
Sixtus and I have had a wonderful time during the lockdown choreographing a TikTok dance together on the croquet lawn. For some reason dancing the French Gavotte to Lil Nas X has yet to go viral, but it can surely only be a matter of time.

Play a practical joke on Nanny
When I am not suckling at her teat, I enjoy provoking Nanny with mischievous capers around the estate. On one occasion I replaced her feather duster with a live peacock and then filmed the ensuing hilarity and confusion. I suggest you do the same to your house staff.

The Thatcher Challenge involves dressing up as Margaret Thatcher and drinking as much milk in 15 seconds as possible, before the little kiddies snatch it back. You may find this somewhat arousing, but a sensible pleated skirt should save you from any on-camera embarrassment.



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Twat with stupid car finding lockdown perfect opportunity to be extra dickish

A MAN with a fast, noisy car is treating the quiet roads of lockdown like his own personal racetrack.

Nathan Muir, who owns a mint green Citreon Saxo with lowered suspension, has been driving around his hometown of Swindon pretending he is Vin Diesel in The Fast and the Furious.

Neighbour Tom Booker said: “He drives like a bellend at the best of times, but usually he can only accelerate for about 10 metres before he hits a traffic jam.

“Now there are so few cars around that he’s taking the opportunity to try and reach 70 miles per hour before reaching the end of our cul de sac, which he does several times a day.

“I have asked him if his trips count as ‘essential journeys’, especially as he usually has a car full of dopey lads that definitely don’t live at his mum’s house with him and he told me to ‘get f**ked’.

“Be a shame if his tyres got mysteriously slashed.”