Saturday, 30th May 2020

How to pretend everything’s going well when it obviously isn’t, by Matt Hancock

ARE you responsible for something very important and it’s turned into a total shitshow? Here’s how to try and convince yourself and others that everything’s fine.

Look like you know what you’re doing
If you’re doing some public speaking, such as a work presentation or major government briefing, wear a suit and tie and pull a serious face. If you look the part it will take a lot longer for people to realise you’ve absolutely ballsed everything up.

Fiddle the details
Make yourself look less useless by fiddling some details around, for example, counting a single pair of gloves as two separate items of PPE in order to make it look like there’s more available. Someone will eventually find you out and you’ll look like an idiot, but it will buy you some time.

Make wild claims that you can’t live up to
If people are beginning to suspect you’re a bit useless, distract them by making up some bullshit, for example reaching 100,000 daily tests within a month. Remember to have another distraction ready when the original one fails, such as throwing around big sums of cash.

Never apologise
An apology is basically an admission of failure, so never allow one to escape your lips. It doesn’t matter that never apologising makes you seem like a robot incapable of empathy and compassion. Being right is much more important.

Just deny everything
When asked if you feel you’ve colossally f**ked up, simply say no. Brazening it out when you’ve broken the work photocopier is a bit different from preventing the deaths of tens of thousands of people, but the principle is still the same.