'Lack of time' not reason woman can't bake

A WOMAN who always assumed she would be a Nigella-grade baker if she only had the time has discovered during lockdown that this is a lie.

Furloughed worker Emma Bradford said: “I couldn’t wait to post smug, pseudo-modest pictures of my sourdough loaves online and exchange tips on how to get the most amazing banana bread.

“In fact, I’d already gone so far as to set up an Instagram page called ‘Emma’s Yummy Lockdown Bakes’.

“Unfortunately it hasn’t quite worked out so far. I made one cake but it looked so awful I had to pretend to my family that the dog had savaged it.

“Then I made a loaf that was so flat it looked like pitta bread. I put that on Facebook and someone commented kindly that baking was super hard right now without yeast.

“The thing is, I had yeast. So essentially, I’ve got the ingredients. I’ve got the time. I just don’t have any talent.”

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How to make going outside a living hell for other people

CONVINCED yourself you need to pop out for some half-baked reason? Here’s how to make it a living hell for others.

Own narrow pavements
Strut along as if narrow pavements are your personal property. If you’re enough of a twat about it, some poor bastard will be forced to zig zag across the road half a dozen times just to travel a few metres.

Strike up a conversation
People are crying out for real life human interaction while also being simultaneously terrified of it. Add some extra stress to someone’s day by starting a pleasant conversation whilst constantly looking like you’re about to step over the two metre mark.

Play football in the park
Kickabouts in the park make people edgy even at the best of times, as it’s hard to enjoy a peaceful stroll when a ball could get punted into your face at any second. During the pandemic  a game of footie feels even more needlessly dangerous, as it comes with an attached risk of death if you get too close.

Consider social distancing optional
Social distancing is really important for other people, but for you it works on a case-by-case basis. This means if someone’s dawdling you can squeeze past with a cheerful “Excuse me” and a skip in your step as if there is no fear of passing on a life-threatening disease.

It’s a law of nature that the faster you move, the more priority you have outdoors. And with barely anyone using cars or bikes, joggers have found themselves top of the food chain. Assert your dominance by running too close to people while breathing heavily and wearing unflattering lycra.