Kids learning an average of six new swear words a day at home school

CHILDREN are learning at least half a dozen offensive words per day during the lockdown.

Phrases like ‘What’s a fronted f**king adverbial?’,  ‘Be careful, we can’t bloody well go to A&E right now’ and ‘Wash your bastard hands’ are all new additions to youngsters’ vocabularies.

Mother-of-three Emma Bradshaw said: “I have absolutely no idea how teachers get through the day without using any swear words. Some days I find myself dropping an F-bomb before we’ve even started any learning.

“I have had to tell my kids that the only time it is acceptable to swear is during a global pandemic and once this is over they’ll have to magically forget all the bad words.”

Teacher Donna Sheridan, explained: “We simply don’t feel the need to swear when we teach because we adore our jobs and the children so much.”

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'New normal' code for 'deeply f*cked-up but you have to get on with it'

EXTREMELY unusual but ultimately necessary behaviours have been rebranded as ‘the new normal’.

The phrase will be repeatedly spoken like a hypnotising chant by politicians during daily briefings to reassure Britons that sterilising groceries and avoiding other human beings is actually totally ordinary.

A government advisor said: “The British public will do anything so long as you beat them over the head with a snappy turn of phrase enough times. For example, Brexit.

“We’re also confident people will become used to our systematic failings as they realise they’re not so bizarre after all, they’re just the new normal.”

Key worker Mary Fisher said: “I used to be concerned the lockdown would drag on without an exit plan and damage the economy beyond repair. But hearing that reality described as the new normal really put my fears to rest.”