Man who wants lockdown to end didn't stay at home in the first place

A MAN making a fuss about wanting the lockdown to end has spent the last six weeks having barbecues with his friends and popping to the shops twice a day.

Nathan Muir claims that the lockdown is infringing his civil liberties and harming his mental health, despite the fact that he has ignored it since it was introduced.

Friend Tom Logan said: “Nathan has been kicking up a stink on social media about being ‘a prisoner in his own home at the mercy of the government’, but yesterday he turned up on my doorstep asking if I fancied a game of football with his mates.

“He has also admitted to driving 200 miles to get his sister to cut his hair and nipping to Tesco whenever he fancies a bag of crisps, which doesn’t quite tally with his complaints about being oppressed by the state.

“He says he wants the lockdown to end because it goes against his political convictions as a non-interventionist libertarian freedom lover.

“He’s just a selfish dickbag.”

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How to endure a Zoom call with a terrible f**king connection

THE only thing worse than a meeting is a Zoom meeting with a f**cking bad connection. Here’s how to endure your next one.

Pretend you got cut off
Ever been so bored in a meeting you just wanted to walk out while someone was talking? Thanks to the miracle of bad technology, now you can. Make sure the camera and mic are definitely turned off before calling your colleagues ‘braindead f**kwits’ though.

Screengrab frozen gurns
There’s a point in every Zoom meeting where the screen briefly freezes on people pulling hideous gurns. By taking a quick screengrab you can capture forever those unflattering moments of people you despise.

Switch to voice only
Nobody actually wants to see other people during a Zoom call, they just want to judge everybody’s home decor. By switching to voice only you can deny them this sick pleasure, plus you can get up and make a tea without exposing your bare arse.

Scroll through social media in another tab
As long as you nod attentively at regular intervals, you’re free to browse social media in another tab during a Zoom call. If you didn’t hear a question because you were too busy stalking your ex, just pretend the connection dropped out and ask them to repeat it.

Admire your own face
We’re all staring at ourselves during Zoom calls, so why not take this time to while away the meeting by admiring your own face? Or, more realistically, scrutinise every imperfection of your disgusting mug and try to figure out if you’d look better with a shaved head or neck tattoo.