Homeschooling mum apologises for not learning new language and how to play the glockenspiel

A SINGLE mother in lockdown with three children has said she is sorry that she won’t be coming out of this experience with a new skill.

Emma Bradford instead divides her time between trying to school her three primary-age boys and fighting off the creeping sense of dread over how she is going to pay next month’s utility bills.

Bradford said: “I keep reading these articles on social media telling me off for not enhancing my career prospects because I’m frittering my time away being kicked in the shins by my boys under the kitchen table whilst trying to teach them about quadratic equations.

“Maybe the articles are right. It’s been over a month, so by now I should have a conversational level of Mandarin and reached grade 2 on the oboe.

“I guess I must just be lazy. After I’ve spent two hours putting the boys to bed I know I should be taking an online course in trigonometry or something, but I find myself necking glasses of wine whilst freaking out about being evicted instead.

“Sorry everyone. I guess I’ve failed lockdown.”


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Five previously bad habits that are now totally acceptable

SELF-DISCIPLINE has gone out of the window during the lockdown, meaning you can get away with indulging bad habits. Try these out for starters.

Watching TV until 4am

As usual the programme everyone’s talking about is broadcast from America during the early hours, so you have to stay up if you want to catch it live. The bizarre orange character who wants to inject you with disinfectant might give you nightmares though.

Flirting with alcoholism

In the Before Time, spending every night drinking on your own was a worrying sign. Now it makes you a brave stay-at-home hero. Enjoy it whilst it lasts because as soon as you’re actually able to go to the pub, binge drinking will be frowned upon again.

Racking up massive debts

Remember how you used to turn your nose up at people who maxed out their credit cards on fancy holidays and trainers? And now here you are taking out a loan you’ll never be able to repay just because you’re bored and fancy an online shopping spree. It’s OK though, as you’re helping to save the economy. Rishi Sunak will be proud.

Talking to yourself

No longer the first sign of madness, talking to yourself is now the easiest way for people living on their own to have a decent conversation. The same rule applies to unfortunate individuals locked down with 5G truthers and children.

Going over 13 hours of screen time every day

Spending every waking moment on social media used to feel like a massive waste of time, but these days it’s the best way to find out if we’re allowed to touch food or breathe outside. Scroll yourself into a frenzy getting jealous of other people’s ‘lockdown lifestyles’.