'I don't mean to be rude,' quickly followed by rude comment

PEOPLE who use the phrase ‘I don’t mean to be rude’ always follow it up by saying something incredibly offensive which they definitely mean.

Donna Sheridan was talking to colleague Nikki Hollis via Zoom when she mentioned their boss Martin Bishop and added ‘I don’t mean to be rude but he’s a bit of a prick.’

Hollis said: “It was immediately obvious that Donna did mean to be rude because you don’t call someone a prick if what you actually mean to be is polite and complimentary.

“So I had to ask her if in reality she wanted to be very rude about Martin, whilst simultaneously excusing herself for doing so as if the words had fought their way out of her mouth without her consent.”

Sheridan said: “I can see now that calling him a prick does suggest that I did actually mean to be rude, but I didn’t want Nikki to think less of me.

“However, she then called him a ‘f**king scrotum-faced tosspot’ so I felt much better about myself.”

Woman doing virtual yoga class enjoying freedom to fart at will

A WOMAN whose weekly yoga sessions have moved online is enjoying the freedom to fart audibly throughout.

After years of spending most of each class fighting not to let one rip, Francesca Johnson can now release fully during her downward dogs, safe in the knowledge that nobody besides her husband will have to put up with the stench.

Johnson said: “Before lockdown, my yoga class was the most stressful moment of my week. There are only so many vinyasas a sphincter can take before it needs to blow off steam.

“All my focus would go on trying to keep things silent-but-violent, so no one would know I was the chronic farter.

“Doing the class at home is a complete game-changer. I can chuff away at will and there’s zero judgement if I don’t join in with most of the poses, or if I happen to be pissed.”

Yoga teacher Mary Fisher said: “I’m so nauseatingly zen that it’s never been a problem for me. My rectum is at one with the universe: my farts are the air and the air is my farts.”