Bear Grylls' guide to foraging in bins

YOU pussies are whining about lockdown, but I’ve survived harsher conditions by drinking my own piss and staying in a hotel. Here’s my guide to staying alive by foraging from bins.

Retrieve your neighbours’ potato peelings

Not to eat the disgusting things, but because you can make a neat camouflage mask and sneak round to your mum’s. She’ll give you a cuddle and stock you up with all the essentials, like chocolate truffles, Radox bath soak and bouillon.

Drink bin juice 

It might be full of rat’s piss, but gag it down like soup to prove you’re as hard as me. It’ll probably give you Weil’s disease but at least you’ll be more exotic than all those chumps with coronavirus. I didn’t do my SAS training to be beaten by a disease that can strike down any old duffer.

Steal the actual wheelie bin

They make an excellent isolation pod for your child. Drill a few air holes and shove your kids in for the good of the family, because no one needs to hear ‘Baby Shark’ 133 times a day. Tell them how Daddy faced a real shark once, in an aquarium.

Pick nettles in the park

If the bins are just full of wine bottles, broaden your scavenging. Nettles make a lovely iron-rich soup if your Waitrose delivery doesn’t have spinach or watercress. You can also use nearby dock leaves for toilet paper, if you run out of Andrex Washlets. I hate it when that happens.

Go duck hunting

You’ve fed the ones in the park for years, now it’s payback time. Lure them with some crusts, then grab them when they paddle over. Remember to use your Swiss Army knife to score the fat so it crisps up properly. No one should stoop so low as to eat an unrendered duck breast, even TV tough guys like me.

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Tests that are more reliable than the coronavirus one: a UK government guide

BY the time testing is reliably rolled out, either the crisis, or the world, might have ended. Here are some tests that are more dependable than the UK government’s current offering. 

Pregnancy test

The time in 1997 when you thought you’d been knocked up by Gary Fletcher behind the bins by Argos was almost as terrifying as COVID-19, but at least you could get closure by spending £6.99 at Boots. Try spitting on a Clearblue to see if you’ve got coronavirus. The results will be about as reassuring as the government test.

Homeschooling maths test

Parents will accept any old answer as they can’t be arsed to get their heads around fractions, and they’re on their third glass of wine. But at least they’ll give you a fish finger sandwich for your efforts, which is more than you get in a government drive-through.

A dog agility test

Despite being a theoretically less-developed species than humans, dogs are reliably good at these tests. There’s always one dog that disgraces itself by shitting publicly at a podium, but that’s basically what happens to a government minister at the press conference every afternoon.

Tarot cards

Tarot cards and the government’s current coronavirus tests are about as reliable as each other in predicting your future. The upside of tarot cards is that they have pretty pictures on them, and they don’t involve having a swab jammed up your nose.

Mood ring

See if you’ve got coronavirus by consulting this totally non-scientific cracker gift. You won’t be able to get one until Christmas and it’ll probably give you the answer ‘Violet means passionate and excited’. But that’s quicker and clearer than anything on offer from the government at the moment.