GOOD morning, I’m the supply prime minister and today I’m going to show you how to make your own personal protective equipment at home.
First, get a large sheet of plastic. This could be cling film, an unused Alton Towers rain poncho, or simply leftover wrapping from the recent purchase of a double chest freezer.
Lie on it while getting friends and family to draw around you. Make it into a fun game! Then cut out the silhouette and use it as a template to create protective aprons hand-tailored for your body.
If you want to get a Sharpie to decorate them with flowers, pound signs or morale-boosting slogans like ‘I’m backing Boris’ or ‘Get Brexit done’, go ahead and let your creativity run wild.
For headgear, take a look in the kids’ dressing-up box. There’s probably an old zombie mask, robot head or riot police helmet that will do a super job.
Cover up all the joins with sellotape – but make sure you can breathe! I didn’t and the wife found me unconscious on the youngest’s Paw Patrol duvet three hours later.
Finally, have a look around for a roll of disposable plastic gloves. Perhaps you’ve stolen them from work, like all public sector employees do. Well, I’m happy to declare an amnesty just this once.
But if you can’t find any, a clever trick is simply to use woollen gloves plunged into a pan of hot wax, making them as waterproof and safe as a Barbour coat and just as classy.
Congratulations, you’ve made your own PPE! Now get back on the NHS frontlines and no slacking. I know what you people are like.