FaceWine, Secluedo and other twatty new words we can blame on coronavirus

THE worst thing about coronavirus is new words created by twats to refer to lockdown experiences. Here are some you should never say.


Just one twat calling another twat a twat.


You’re not fooling anyone. No one plays Cluedo, even when there are loads of you, so you’re definitely not playing it alone. And, spoiler alert, if you’re the only person in a murder mystery, you’re the murderer.


You’re not at a party, you’re not at a pub. You’re two bored people on a video call with a drink in your hand and a twatty new word to describe it.


You want a drink. Everyone does right now. But are you really going to the effort of fancying up your can of Magners by pouring it into a glass just so you can use your new word? That feels a bit twatty. 


You put on weight during the lockdown. You had two options – lose the weight or invent a word that suggests your extra chub was an unavoidable consequence of the lockdown. One of those options was clearly twattier than the other and you chose it.


It’s just sex for people who aren’t at work. There was a word for it before coronavirus was a thing. And that word was ‘sex’.


When your partner does one of your eight daily lockdown boredom wanks for you. Moderately amusing, but using it in conversation does make you one of those twats who insists on showing off about getting some sex.

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How to be an irritating hipster in lockdown

ARE you wearing a mask made out of an ironic 80s T-shirt while livestreaming baking organic vegan banana bread? Then you’re a coronavirus hipster: 

Wear a different facemask every day

Never content with mere practicality, a true hipster will have a different facemask for every look. Industrial facemask with dungarees, paper mask with anime T-shirt, handcrafted mask from Etsy made from vintage She-Ra curtains. And none of them offer any real protection.

Make artisanal hand sanitiser

Mass-produced hand sanitiser is so generic. Make your own by mixing rubbing alcohol with a handful of herbs from next door’s garden and name it after a dead Scandinavian film director. Once this is over water it down and open your own single-batch gin bar.

Be at the cutting edge of the ‘beard-free’ movement

Everyone’s growing beards now therefore you can’t have one. Shave the beard you’ve been cultivating since 2012 and begin a new trend of clean-shaven faces modelled entirely on an obscure photo of Velvet Underground guitarist Sterling Morrison from 1981.

Make a huge fuss about having a milkman

Having milk delivered directly to your door is convenient and lockdown-friendly, but that doesn’t mean you are obliged to do an Instagram livestream obsessing over how stylish the glass bottles are. Foil lids! So retro!

Start a baking podcast

You already had one podcast of course, but lockdown means it’s time for a second. Become obsessed with the tiny details such as the hydration of your ancient grains flour blend, then start a podcast about the minutae of baking bread. What choice do you have?