Saturday, 11th July 2020

FaceWine, Secluedo and other twatty new words we can blame on coronavirus

THE worst thing about coronavirus is new words created by twats to refer to lockdown experiences. Here are some you should never say.


Just one twat calling another twat a twat.


You’re not fooling anyone. No one plays Cluedo, even when there are loads of you, so you’re definitely not playing it alone. And, spoiler alert, if you’re the only person in a murder mystery, you’re the murderer.


You’re not at a party, you’re not at a pub. You’re two bored people on a video call with a drink in your hand and a twatty new word to describe it.


You want a drink. Everyone does right now. But are you really going to the effort of fancying up your can of Magners by pouring it into a glass just so you can use your new word? That feels a bit twatty. 


You put on weight during the lockdown. You had two options – lose the weight or invent a word that suggests your extra chub was an unavoidable consequence of the lockdown. One of those options was clearly twattier than the other and you chose it.


It’s just sex for people who aren’t at work. There was a word for it before coronavirus was a thing. And that word was ‘sex’.


When your partner does one of your eight daily lockdown boredom wanks for you. Moderately amusing, but using it in conversation does make you one of those twats who insists on showing off about getting some sex.