WANT to go to the best Christmas gatherings but don’t want to get Omicron? Follow Professor Chris Whitty’s advice when deciding which friends to ditch:
Do I actually like these people?
I’ve spent the best part of the last two years standing next to a massive blond prick who embarrasses me constantly, so I know what it’s like to spend time with people you f**king hate. If you’re only hanging out with someone because you feel obliged to, sack them off in favour of people who don’t disgust you.
Will someone I want to shag be there?
A potential shag is an important variable that could make a social interaction worth it, even if the rest of the guests are bellends. If you decide to go, take sensible precautions, such as washing your hands and your hair, so you don’t look like a dirty old tramp.
How much free booze will I get?
An excellent reason for de-prioritising social contact is if you aren’t going to be plied with free alcohol and are expected to share your bottle of cheap supermarket Prosecco with other guests. If something is going to cost you money, ditch it. Like the government has with furlough.
Has it got anything to do with work?
Your Christmas party will have been cancelled by now, so it isn’t necessary to waste any of your precious socialising time on those twats you work with. I certainly won’t be hanging out with the guy I have to go on telly with, despite the fact that him and his pals throw big parties willy nilly and think it’s a massive laugh.
Is it worth ruining Christmas for?
Another way to put this is: ‘How shit is my Christmas going to be?’ If you want to get out of shrivelled pigs-in-blankets and Cluedo with the in-laws, go to every party you possibly can. You’ll catch Omicron and can spend the festivities in peaceful isolation.