How to prioritise which social interactions really matter to you, by Chris Whitty

WANT to go to the best Christmas gatherings but don’t want to get Omicron? Follow Professor Chris Whitty’s advice when deciding which friends to ditch:

Do I actually like these people?

I’ve spent the best part of the last two years standing next to a massive blond prick who embarrasses me constantly, so I know what it’s like to spend time with people you f**king hate. If you’re only hanging out with someone because you feel obliged to, sack them off in favour of people who don’t disgust you.

Will someone I want to shag be there?

A potential shag is an important variable that could make a social interaction worth it, even if the rest of the guests are bellends. If you decide to go, take sensible precautions, such as washing your hands and your hair, so you don’t look like a dirty old tramp.

How much free booze will I get?

An excellent reason for de-prioritising social contact is if you aren’t going to be plied with free alcohol and are expected to share your bottle of cheap supermarket Prosecco with other guests. If something is going to cost you money, ditch it. Like the government has with furlough.

Has it got anything to do with work?

Your Christmas party will have been cancelled by now, so it isn’t necessary to waste any of your precious socialising time on those twats you work with. I certainly won’t be hanging out with the guy I have to go on telly with, despite the fact that him and his pals throw big parties willy nilly and think it’s a massive laugh.

Is it worth ruining Christmas for?

Another way to put this is: ‘How shit is my Christmas going to be?’ If you want to get out of shrivelled pigs-in-blankets and Cluedo with the in-laws, go to every party you possibly can. You’ll catch Omicron and can spend the festivities in peaceful isolation.

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Woman violently throwing up tells waitress food was 'lovely, thanks'

A WOMAN vomiting due to food poisoning has reassured her waitress that her food was absolutely delicious and there was nothing wrong whatsoever.

In between retching into a potted plant, Emma Howard reiterated that there was no problem with her meal and gave her compliments to the chef through what she hoped was a winning bile-flecked smile.

She continued: “Urrp, I knew that chicken wasn’t cooked properly from the first bite. But the waitress was there and it’s so embarrassing being that person who complains.

“I’d feel so self-conscious bringing it up. Like when they served me a crab cake starter instead of the brie I ordered, and even though I’m allergic to shellfish I thought hives all over my body were better than making a fuss.

“And we were there an hour before they served us, and I saw a rat run out of the kitchen, but we’d already ordered drinks and I didn’t want to seem rude.

“I’d rather the earth swallow me whole than have to draw attention to myself by implying there was some kind of issue with the food. But I won’t be leaving a very large tip.”

Waitress Lauren Hewitt said: “She’s a much better customer than the guy who screamed at me because he didn’t like the colour of the wallpaper. I love working with the public.”