By Francesca Johnson, deluded
WANT to rewind an incredible 22 years off your biological age with small lifestyle changes? That’s completely impossible, but I have, but I haven’t, by doing this:
Give up all alcohol
Alcohol is aging! You never knew this because you’ve never entered a pub during a weekday afternoon and not recognised an old schoolfriend who looks 30 years older than you, but I have. So I gave up alcohol and instead began claiming that had knocked actual years off my actual age!
Age: 42. Biological age: still 42
Eat some form of exotic seeds
Seeds are nature’s time machine. Think about it; have you ever seen a sparrow in a mobility scooter? And exotic ones like chia and flax are even better because they cost a lot from health food shops. Swallowing a handful of these a day and the age of your gut will reverse in a process that will spread though your body, as Einstein said.
Age: 42. Age on passport: remarkably, still 42
Bathe in special light
UV light ages the skin, which is why Greek women in their 80s look so wizened. However I believe in other forms of light – call them expensive light – which can bend time around the face and cause it to travel back to the early 00s. I apply it with a special mask, and now my skin could be protesting the Iraq war.
Age: 42. Objective age: technically 42
Give up something else
My personal quest to create a closed Gödel curve around my body despite their invalidation by Professor Stephen Hawking is not yet complete. Further personal sacrifice is necessary to revoke the laws of physics, so I no longer masturbate. This allows chakras to build up in the spirit, sand to run up hourglasses and pages to return to calendars.
Age: 42. Empirical age: stubbornly 42
Biotwatting
Finally following the new science of biotwatting, as developed by several Silicon Valley men who are too rich and have read too much sci-fi, I sleep in a fridge hanging upside down while having my blood infused with osmium, tantalum and strontium-90. The environment is also highly magnetically charged and ultrasound-rich.
Age: 42. Actual age: nothing but a number.
