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Six Farage clauses that need to be inserted post-haste

THE EU is demanding a Farage clause be inserted in any trade deal, and the UK is demanding the following Farage clauses be inserted now that’s an option:

* if elected as MP, Farage is compelled to perform the duties of a constituency MP

The resident of Clacton, Essex wish to insert this one given their experience of having a MP over the last 18 months, an experience identical to not having an MP. Instead, Farage has ruled that he was elected as a mere figurehead for racial grievance and acted accordingly. He also has multiple presenting jobs and sells gold.

* the Farage you vote for may be substituted for a lesser bigot of equal or much, much lesser value

Pushed by those who voted Reform in local elections and have found their local authority now run by a collection of incompetents, bloody angry incompetents and children who follow neo-Nazis on YouTube, none of whom are capable of organising a bin collection but who are raising council tax by the maximum amount.

* prolonged exposure to Farage may cause permanent damage to your personal relationships

Whether an uncle, a father, a husband or a wife, fleeting initial exposure to Farage can in some cases lead to seeking him out on LBC, GB News or pubs with a certain clientele. This can cause alienation, separation, divorce and sitting alone in a basement flat hoping passers-by look down and see the Union Jack hanging in the window serving as curtains.

* close friendships with Trump and Elon Musk are not refundable

Photographs with two of the world’s most powerful men, both of whom have turned out to be far more openly prejudiced and disordered in thinking than previously thought, remain valid. These close associations cannot merely be forgotten now the first is breaking up NATO and the second facilitating pornography via AI.

* your status as a Reform MP may be rescinded at any time

Useful for those former Tories elected as Reform MPs, a significant percentage of whom are now not, and for those former Tories hoping to be elected as Reform MPs at the next election. Please be aware that you are not joining a democratic organisation but a mob with an unquestioned leader, and only his word is policy and only he counts.

* the Brexit you receive may differ in size, success and sovereignty from the Brexit ordered

This retroactive clause, going back some ten years, must be inserted in the terms of the 2016 referendum so all claims against it can be ruled invalid. Then everybody will be happy and those who are not instructed to read the small print again.

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Whip-smart, girlboss and other phrases only used to condescend to women

LINGUISTS, HR departments and men named Steve have confirmed that the following words are technically compliments in the same way a pat on the head is. Avoid these: 

‘Bossy’

Any female who has expressed a preference out loud. Male equivalents include ‘decisive’ and ‘competent’. Usually deployed for a woman after she’s asked a man to do his actual f**king job.

‘Formidable’

Used for an impressive lady, when the word ‘impressive’ can’t be used because you can also say that about a man. She’s formidable if she does everything she can to protect her kids, who should be her sole focus.

‘Firecracker’

She speaks. Sometimes above a whisper, sometimes even twice in a meeting. An energy that men find intriguing as it suggests she has a lot of energy and therefore might be wild in bed.

‘Feisty’

A woman who disagrees with you but has the temerity to neither apologise first nor cry after. Strong overlap with ‘unexpectedly angry for someone small’.

‘Girlboss’

A 48-year-old man running a multinational would never be called a ‘boyboss’ because that would be insane and he’d punch you. This celebrates female success while still making her sound tiny and young, which is all women want to be. “Running an enormous conglomerate in your little heels? Well done, sweetheart, that’s nice and just a phase.’

‘Badass’

She’s competent, but in a way that’s still cute. Possibly has a tongue piercing that might prove beneficial during fellatio. Her outward spikiness belies a soft, warm, yearning side that would enjoy making your dinner, guys wholeheartedly believe.

‘Whip-smart’

Clever, which is to be celebrated as long as she doesn’t make you feel stupid. Often paired with surprise, as intelligence was not factored in beforehand.

‘High-maintenance’

She has standards, boundaries and occasionally needs things, a fatal personality defect not seen in men who simply require respect, silence, praise, emotional labour and a full-time support system to help them reach their full, underestimated potential. May also have Botox rather than remain naturally ageless.

‘Trailblazer’

By being in a field traditionally dominated by men – that is, all of them – she is automatically pioneering. Men applaud her bravery, then ask her to organise the meeting and get the teas in.

‘Spunky’

A word that should have been retired in 1987. Suggests enthusiasm, defiance and sublimated annoyance. She got the better of a dude during banter and he’s still pretending to be cool with it.

‘Clever little cookie’

No intelligent man has ever been called a ‘cookie’. There has never been an Oxford professor named David described as ‘surprisingly sharp’.

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