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The ending of Stranger Things, and other reasons I need a mental health day by Gen Z

THOUGHT just being aware of mental health was enough? No. These are the uniquely detrimental generational challenges that you, as my employer, should be considering: 

The ending of Stranger Things was unsatisfying

Yes, it ended on January 1st, but that ending did not please me so I pledged my whole, authentic self to ConformityGate, a theory positing that was a false ending and the one I needed with the correct queer representation I craved was dropping last week. It did not. I am therefore devastated and this is a bereavement such as you olds suffer.

Not everyone on social media agreed with me

I recorded a TikTok sharing my feelings and some of the responses were mildly critical. No, not on the level of the death threats I send to Arianators, but still it’s left me with the psychological scars of a war veteran. Then I recorded a clapback but it didn’t get many views. I feel unheard. That’s the equivalent of a serious illness.

The coffee shop didn’t have oat milk

Like everyone forced into an employment that isn’t a podcaster or influencer, I rely on a daily dose of extremely sugary caffeine to get me through the performative nonsense that you call ‘my job’. Now that my beverage options have been curtailed, I simply can’t be expected to function properly, just like a printer. Check my manual (Instagram).

You gave me constructive feedback when I asked for constructive feedback

I realise that I did ask for feedback, but that was in fact a subtly coded invitation for you to tell me I’m the best at everything ever and you’ve never seen excellence this unparalleled. For you to fail to read social cues that badly and actually tell me how I could make my work better has damaged me beyond compare, and I will invoice for my CBD.

I’m overwhelmed by Whatsapp groups

You and your archaic Yahoo! email address cannot comprehend how much a young person like me is bedeviled by digital correspondence. Having so many friends to talk to and fun things to plan outside of work is extremely stressful, so stressful that I can’t actually focus on work at all.

The climate crisis

Ideally I’d like 12 days a year, minimum, to take off so I can spend them feeling lost and broken about the climate crisis? No, you don’t get one, you caused it.

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Man doing Dry January only meant pubs

A MAN who has sworn off drinking this month has clarified that it only counts as drinking if it is in the pub, for God’s sake. 

Wayne Hayes has proudly told everyone he is laying off the booze for the month but was flabbergasted to learn they expected that meant at home as well.

He said: “You can’t not drink at all, can you? In January? I’m not superhuman.

“I will keep my promise not to set foot in the pub all month, even on quiz nights. Not a pint of Guinness will pass my lips. If you don’t think that’s an accomplishment you don’t know me.

“But at home? That’s my own business. You can’t stop me and you’ll never even know I’ve been drinking unless you see through the kitchen window where I don’t have a blind because it caught fire.

“It’s still one hell of an achievement. Drinking without the camaraderie, the warm haze of shared intoxication, the fruit machine. I tell you, I’ll be bloody glad when John’s pouring me a pint again. Don’t tell me that’s not hardship.”

He added: “Actually, I’m getting to quite like drinking alone at home now. You can start earlier.”

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