'I will never wear a mask on the Tube' says man who lives and works in Truro

A CORNISHMAN with no reason to visit London anytime soon has angrily refused to wear a face mask on the capital’s underground, he has stated. 

Truro resident Norman Steele lives 250 miles from westmost station Chesham and works 15 minutes from home, but has nonetheless made clear his absolute refusal to wear a protective mask when boarding the Tube from July 19th.

Steele said: “Does it affect me? Yes. This is my bloody country. If the London wankers aren’t free then neither am I.

“Does it make sense? Apparently. Am I outraged by it regardless? Abso-f**king-lutely. I thought Boris was letting us take personal responsibility.

“What if my bus to Penzance gets diverted via Elephant & Castle because of roadworks? Before I know it the jackboot of Sadiq Khan’s draconian rule’s stomping down on my face.

“And all because he wants to reduce the airborne transmission of a virus in his overcrowded city without giving one thought to how it would affect proud Cornishmen, the power-crazed bastard.”

Neighbour Sue Traherne said: “Norman says he’s never going in Waterstones either. Pretty sure he’s never read a book.”

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Man who firmly believes Freedom Day is a mistake really looking forward to it

A MAN who believes the science does not support abandoning Covid restructions from Monday has plans every night next week.   

Tom Booker has looked at forecast case numbers and the efficacy of vaccines and says the NHS will be under serious strain by no later than August 20th, when he will be coming back from a fortnight in Gozo.

He said: “The government is making a terrible mistake, and it’s one I’m taking full advantage of.

“Monday I’m maskless in the pub, Tuesday I’m maskless in the cinema, Wednesday there’s a barbecue round at Steve’s with all the lads from football. It’s fine, we’re jabbed, mostly.

“Thursday it’s lamb tagine, boardgames and a few lines of coke at Bella’s, then Friday I’m going on a proper night. Bars, clubbing, shots, all back to some rando’s. But like I say the government’s being irresponsible by gambling on herd immunity and it won’t work.

“Then Saturday apparently there’s going to be a surprise gig down the Feathers. We’ll all be rammed in and cheering at what quite frankly is a superspreader event that will hasten the next lockdown.”

He added: “I could stay in being safe like last summer. But it’ll happen anyway, so why should I be the sensible dick?”