Injecting Foul Smelling Gas Directly Into Your Penis Will Improve Sex Life, Say Experts

INJECTING the foul stench of rotten eggs directly into your flaccid penis will soon replace Viagra as the world's leading treatment for erectile dysfunction, scientists claimed last night.

Researchers from the Instituto per Studi in Naples said hydrogen sulphide was a key component in the erection process, apart from when released by a female during cunnilingus when it tended to have the opposite effect, unless you were some kind of demented pervert.

Lead researcher Dr Guillermo Mancini said: "You bring bella signora back to your stylish, candle-lit appartamento.

"You open nice bottle of Lambrusco, maybe have some oyster for her to swallow. She soon get message.

"You dim lights, put on Joe Dolce LP and then feed her asparago con burro which she eat in a highly erotic fashion, mimicking act of sesso orale, yes?.

"She now totally imbavagliare but niente is stirring in your pantaloni. Is no worry! You hand her gas mask, open window, spray room with Oust, get out your giant syringe and inject 50ml of stinking bum-gas directly into the base of your muscolo di amore.

"Forty-five minutes later you are having sesso magnifico, unless she make mistake of removing gas mask in which case all bets are off."

Emma Cook, the wife of a malfunctioning erection from Newcastle, said: "I'm tellin' you now, it could be as hard as a fuckin' breeze block but you're not comin' anywhere near me with a cock full o' farts."

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Obama Obviously Has A New Watch, Says Brown

PRESIDENT Obama clearly has a new watch and is fascinated with it, Gordon Brown revealed last night.

Following his first meeting with the new president Mr Brown said Britain and the United States must work together to create a new age of global stability where everyone can have a watch as nice as that.

The prime minister added: "I was making some very insightful points about Fred Goodwin's pension, but he just kept looking at that watch and I'm thinking, 'gosh, it must be a really good one'.

"Eventually I asked him if I could have a look at it but he said no, it was a special watch they only give to presidents and astronauts and that I might break it.

"I pointed out that I don't break things and that all of my watches have been broken by an extraordinary combination of global circumstances."

The prime minister said it was unfortunate a planned press conference had been cancelled due to 'a pack of Alaskan timber wolves on the White House lawn' but dismissed claims he had been snubbed, adding: "He knew my first name. Does he know your first name? I didn't think so."

Despite the distraction of his new watch Mr Obama did find time to send a series of Twitter messages including, 'oh fuck, why did i agree to this?', 'should have met the french guy instead' and 'note to pentagon – phone me now and pretend it's really important'.

Meanwhile Mr Brown again stressed the British economy is nothing to do with him and published a list of people who were to blame including Alan Milburn, Geoffrey Howe, former Eastender Michelle Gayle and K-9, the robot dog from Doctor Who.