Leaving shopping bags unpacked for three days and other things you no longer bother doing

AS lockdown eases it was clearly no biggie and there’s every reason for complacency. Here are some things everyone has stopped doing now COVID-19 has been sent packing.

The whole not taking shopping out of bags thing

God knows what that was about but someone on the internet said we should do it. Now if a bit of ice cream melts onto your bag on the way back from Sainsbury’s, you can just lick it off safely. 

Staying ‘one Richard Osman’ away from other people

We did it for about 10 days before ignoring it, which is probably more than enough. Now it’s more like half an Alexander Armstrong, right? 

Washing your hands for 20 seconds

This is so long ago it feels as ancient as video cassettes. We did it and it didn’t make any difference, probably. Best to forget about it and return to a five-second rinse after going to the shops again. Or just a quick hand-rub on your trousers.

Diligently following daily government advice

There’s at last been some clear guidance from Dominic Cummings – abide by the rules until they inconvenience you in some way. Also the daily briefings are boring with Hancock and Whitty doing them all the time. How about some celebs to jazz it up? Vernon Kay or the Loose Women. 

Moaning at young people for not observing social distancing

Actually, no, let’s keep doing this if they’re riding their bikes in big groups of three. It’s a great new hobby for whingers and not like going to the garden centre, which completely safe. 

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Sex outside isn't illegal so fill your boots, says Hancock

OUTDOOR romps are not prohibited by the government’s sex ban so go for it, the health secretary has said.

Britons desperate to start having sex again were thrown a bone by Matt Hancock as he revealed that sordid outdoor hookups are technically fine.

Hancock said: “If you read the rules carefully you’ll notice we’ve only banned indoor gatherings between people from different households. Apart from that the world’s your sexy oyster.

“Behind a bush is the perfect place for frisky couples to start exploring the great outdoors. And because we allow unlimited exercise you can now hump your partner in a hedgerow to your heart’s content.

“More adventurous shaggers could grab some afternoon delight up against a bus shelter, under a bridge, or in a skip. If you’re careful not to get run over even a median strip can become a love nest.

“Not only is it completely legal, it’s completely sexy.”

Winking to the assembled press, he added “Just make sure you give her one for me, right lads?”, like the embarrassing tosser he is.