Lesbians Doing It Wrong, Claim Docs

AN increase in health complaints among lesbians suggests they may be doing it wrong, the British Medical Association said last night.

A national survey revealed many lesbians are not seeking medical advice as they believe doctors are frightened of them and will immediately call the police or fire brigade.

But the BMA dismissed claims that lesbian health problems are ignored by the NHS, insisting common complaints, such as dungaree burn, are often mistaken for non-lesbian conditions.

A BMA spokesman said: "Lesbianism is a tricky business. It takes skill and unfortunately too many women are still falling off half way through.

"Meanwhile many lesbians are reluctant to reveal the cause of their injury, fearing they will be inundated with demands for photos and graphic descriptions of what they were up to.

"This means if a woman comes into casualty with a sprained ankle, claiming she broke a heel, we'll take her at face value, rather than assume she's just fallen off a great big lesbian."

He added: "As for lesbian sexually transmitted diseases, we're not 100% sure how that happens.

"All we can advise is that you keep those sorts of things in the fridge."

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Forty-Two Grand - To Drive A F*cking Truck

SHELL tanker drivers yesterday won a 14% pay rise which means they will now be paid £42,000 a year just to drive a fucking truck.

Union officials earlier rejected an offer of £36,000 as it was clearly not enough money for just sitting in a truck all day, driving.

But they reconsidered after an additional £6,000 was put on the table, agreeing this now seemed the correct amount of money for steering and changing gear now and again.

Wayne Hayes, a Shell driver from Leatherhead, said: "I have to remember to take my truck keys and put my jacket on the right way round.

"I have to open up the cab, get into it, start the truck and then drive off without crashing into anything. Sometimes I have to reverse."

He added: "I then have to not crash into anything for another seven hours, stopping every now and again to drop off some petrol and pick up a Ginster's pastie and some absolutely disgusting porn."

Julian Cook, a £25,000 a year special needs teacher, said: "I’ve got a degree, and two teaching qualifications and I can’t even afford a car. I just wish I’d done a PhD in driving like these guys."

But Nikki Hollis, a junior nurse on £17,500, said: "Yes my job is vital and, at times, unbelievably distressing, but if it wasn't for these truck driving heroes our intensive care unit would grind to a halt.

"They deserve every inch of that new speedboat."