Friday, 6th December 2019

Living in a big glass tube 'can add 40 years to your life'

ABANDONING the outside world in favour of a big glass tube can extend your life expectancy by decades, according to a new study.

The long-term research project kidnapped two young men, suspending one of them in an eight foot-long tube and forcing the other one to live in a flat and work in IT.

Specimen A responded well to life inside the tube, enjoying the combination of sedatives, liquid food and episodes of gentle, family-based sitcoms. Specimen B went to the local pub where he met a nice girl with a fruity laugh. After three years of sexual intercourse they married and moved to a leafy suburb to raise a family.

Specimen B's diet included ready meals, Cheerios, and ham and cucumber sandwiches with full-fat mayonnaise. He also enjoyed wine with meals, a few pints of beer on a Friday evening and the occasional cigar. He died in his sleep from heart complications aged 72.

Specimen A is now 75 years-old but has the health of a man in his mid-thirties. His daily routine involves selecting programmes from an Apple TV box while a steady stream of pulped cranberries and broccoli moves from the tube into his stomach to the tube out of his rectum.

Project leader Dr Roy Hobbs, said: "Specimen B was such a wretched waste of a life, but look at Specimen A. His bowel movements are outstanding thanks to the potent cranberry mush. And he's got Apple TV."