Living in a big glass tube 'can add 40 years to your life'

ABANDONING the outside world in favour of a big glass tube can extend your life expectancy by decades, according to a new study.

The long-term research project kidnapped two young men, suspending one of them in an eight foot-long tube and forcing the other one to live in a flat and work in IT.

Specimen A responded well to life inside the tube, enjoying the combination of sedatives, liquid food and episodes of gentle, family-based sitcoms. Specimen B went to the local pub where he met a nice girl with a fruity laugh. After three years of sexual intercourse they married and moved to a leafy suburb to raise a family.

Specimen B’s diet included ready meals, Cheerios, and ham and cucumber sandwiches with full-fat mayonnaise. He also enjoyed wine with meals, a few pints of beer on a Friday evening and the occasional cigar. He died in his sleep from heart complications aged 72.

Specimen A is now 75 years-old but has the health of a man in his mid-thirties. His daily routine involves selecting programmes from an Apple TV box while a steady stream of pulped cranberries and broccoli moves from the tube into his stomach to the tube out of his rectum.

Project leader Dr Roy Hobbs, said: “Specimen B was such a wretched waste of a life, but look at Specimen A. His bowel movements are outstanding thanks to the potent cranberry mush. And he’s got Apple TV.”

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Of course the central heating's still on, it's almost June, says Britain

BRITAIN has chided itself for unrealistically hoping that the central heating might be off as early as the end of May.

As the country once again woke, tried to pretend it was not freezing cold, gave up and flipped on the thermostat, Britons grimaced at how naive they had been.

Eleanor Shaw of Stafford said: “Well of course there’s still an icy chill in the air. Technically it’s still spring.

“So it’s absolutely normal and unremarkable for the smart meter to be showing that heating the house cost me a fiver yesterday, and not, for example, nothing.

“It’s great to be all snuggly and warm, like I was for the movie last night, under a blanket while already wearing three layers with the heating on and June just around the corner.”

Meteorologist Julian Cook said: “Last year the UK experienced a mass delusional phenomenon that made everyone think there was a heatwave for months, which there wasn’t and which couldn’t happen.

“This year it’s back to normal. Get the heating back on a timer. This is what it means to be British.”