Lucky childless bastard gets to stay in bed when ill

A LUCKY bastard without kids was so sick he spent three uninterrupted days in bed recovering. 

Tom Logan was unable to do anything except lie down, watch TV and drink Lemsip, and because he has no children was perfectly free to do so.

Colleague and father-of-three Will McKay said: “Apparently he was so ill he did nothing but lie there sweating for 72 hours. Absolute bliss.

“I had the flu last winter. I still had to do the school run, the washing, sit waiting outside Cubs in the car with occasional vomit breaks, the lot.

“If he wants to know what suffering is he wants to try getting the kids dressed, changing their nappies, taking them to the park, cooking their dinners and spending three hours as a human bouncy castle while trying not to pass out with fever.

“Apparently all he could manage to watch were old Friends episodes. When I finally got to sit down wrapped in a blanket I bingewatched Paw Patrol. He doesn’t know he’s born.”

Logan said: “This is the worst week of my life. All I can do is lie here. Alone. Miserable. I can’t imagine how awful your life would have to be to envy this.”

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Seven reasons why it's not your fault

SOMETHING terrible has happened and technically it was your area of responsibility. But it’s not your fault. Here’s why: 

You didn’t know

Nobody told you that if you did the thing you did the whole server would be deleted. Or not in any kind of a provable way, anyway. The real villain is everyone who didn’t tell you, who by coincidence are the very ones currently telling you off.

The system’s wrong

Any kind of system that’s exposed to a colossal failure like this is clearly flawed, and with respect that seems to be the real issue here. If simply pushing one lever can destroy £360,000 worth of production, whoever designed that needs their ar*e kicking.

It’s not your job

You were only doing this to help out. It’s not really your job, it’s a temporary thing you’ve taken on. For the last ten months. So really they should be asking Janine why those murderers were given early release without tagging.

It was a mistake

Everyone makes mistakes. Nobody can get everything right all the time. Alright, not every mistake leads to breaches of international law which could see the company directors imprisoned for life, but you’re not a robot!


If you’ve got a fault it’s that you try too hard. All you were doing was trying to boost the business. You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs, after all, or in this case without a number of staff going mysteriously missing and the papers hearing about it.

You’re new

You’ve only been with the company for a few months, or years or whatever, so naturally there are going to be a few teething troubles. You’re just like a little newborn baby fawn and your errors are cute really, so who cares what happened to the Rotherham office?

It’s a learning opportunity

The buck stops here, you’re facing up to your mistakes, you’ve come clean and admitted it and should get full credit for it. Now let this be an example we can all learn from and put all talk of punishment aside. Nobody wants to work in a blame culture. How many dead, in the end?