Friday, 30th October 2020

Lucky childless bastard gets to stay in bed when ill

A LUCKY bastard without kids was so sick he spent three uninterrupted days in bed recovering. 

Tom Logan was unable to do anything except lie down, watch TV and drink Lemsip, and because he has no children was perfectly free to do so.

Colleague and father-of-three Will McKay said: “Apparently he was so ill he did nothing but lie there sweating for 72 hours. Absolute bliss.

“I had the flu last winter. I still had to do the school run, the washing, sit waiting outside Cubs in the car with occasional vomit breaks, the lot.

“If he wants to know what suffering is he wants to try getting the kids dressed, changing their nappies, taking them to the park, cooking their dinners and spending three hours as a human bouncy castle while trying not to pass out with fever.

“Apparently all he could manage to watch were old Friends episodes. When I finally got to sit down wrapped in a blanket I bingewatched Paw Patrol. He doesn’t know he’s born.”

Logan said: “This is the worst week of my life. All I can do is lie here. Alone. Miserable. I can’t imagine how awful your life would have to be to envy this.”