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Man only in shape because he's 22

A MAN impressed with his own trim body believes he looks after himself but is actually just not quite old enough to get fat yet. 

Jack Browne assumes he is lean because he visits the gym monthly and occasionally skips breakfast, while in fact he is still young enough to metabolise his diet of burgers, beer and Frosties at midnight.

He said: “I reckon I’ve got the good genes. My lifestyle’s way worse than my co-workers, and they’re all bloaters.

“They say ‘just you wait’ as if there’s some dreadful fate awaiting unsuspecting little me. Er hello? I’m an adult; an adult who can fit into 30in jeans and doesn’t waddle when he walks, even though I have a Starbucks Caramel Cream Frappuccino every day.

“They’re calorie counting and running half marathons just to maintain a baseline of fitness. I don’t need to. I can eat whatever I like and it just burns off, and it always will.

“Maybe everyone else has got health wrong. You don’t need to hit 10,000 steps or eat five a day. A youthfully naive outlook might be all it takes to have a trim physique. Just a thought.”

Colleague Martin Bishop, aged 42, said: “One day Jack’s going to be cramming fistfuls of crisps into his mouth and he’ll inflate like a life raft.”

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Seven things you'll blow your student loan on in the first fortnight

YOU have arrived at your chosen university and a year’s study stretches ahead of you but you’ve got thousands in your pocket right now. Here’s how you’ll waste it: 

Trying to impress someone you will never see again: £200

Freshers’ week is a blur of face, names, and telling everyone what A-levels you did because you’re incapable of adult conversation. But that guy, the one from the first night, the cool one? He said he was into vintage leather jackets so you casually drop a couple hundred on a fine example, then never see him again. Not in three years.

Tickets for a gig you thought everyone was going to: £85

Everyone’s fighting for the metaphorical aux cable to boost their aura with music, and you scored a hit with Bryson Tiller. ‘He’s touring, we should totally go,’ you said and everyone loudly agreed then didn’t buy tickets when you had. Except the flat’s nerd who is now expecting to go with you in December and it wasn’t meant to happen like this.

Something massive and impractical for your room: £390

You’re out shopping with your squad, high on consumerism and peer pressure and not yet comprehending how rich the rest of them are. ‘Always wanted a turntable,’ you muse, and now Ambrose can’t rest until you buy one, and eight records because you need something to play, and it’s collecting dust by December.

Night out with foreign students: £550

You thought Ambrose was rich. Until you got dragged on a night with a largely Chinese group that took in a bar, a club, a strip club, a rickshaw ride, and a private gambling club in a basement. It only cost you £80, you thought, until you’re added to a WhatsApp where a man you remember saying ‘We’ll sort it after,’ is asking you for a further £470.

E-bike: £1,350

Nicked, first week, before you’d insured it.

Train travel to see mates who aren’t bothered: £120

Your best mate Sally is loving life in Liverpool so you go up for her party. She doesn’t meet your train. She doesn’t answer your calls. She isn’t in when you arrive, and her housemates didn’t know you were coming. You spend an uncomfortable evening as a hanger-on to a twat who about 16 days ago was a good mate, and Liverpool looks shit.

Deliveroo: £238

Who can be bothered with cooking? Or shopping? Everyone else is just ordering in and you can’t blow the house vibe by making a sad little microwave meal so you do the same, and over a fortnight it becomes second-nature and then you realise you’ll still be paying this off in your late 40s. Still, nice to see your e-bike again.

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