Man reckons if he got periods he'd never mention it

A MAN genuinely believes that if he was bleeding from his genitals once a month every month he would not talk about it.

Ryan Whittaker, who has never experienced menstruation, was prompted to make his assertion after hearing a female colleague complain about stomach cramps.

He said: “Sue at work couldn’t finish her lunch because she had ‘bad period pain’. Needless to say that put me right off my food. I could barely finish her leftover naan.

“It’s upsetting and there’s no need for it. I can confidently say that if I was going through something like that – mood swings, bloating, migraine, all the shit – you wouldn’t hear word one. It’s not exactly breaking news, is it? A bit of tummy ache?

“It wears you down, hearing women going on about a shared experience they’ve suffered since before recorded history began. Can’t they keep it to themselves and talk about something interesting like the snooker?

“I just think if I went through something like that I’d have the decency to keep quiet, you know? Not bother normal people with it. What’s wrong with suffering alone?”

He added: “And don’t even get me started on their childbirth stories. So overdramatic. Have these ladies never been hit in the crotch with a rugby ball? Now that’s worth whining about.”

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Whole family bricking it as daughter insists on hosting Christmas this year

A FAMILY are regretting their decision to let daughter Lucy cook Christmas dinner instead of Mum. 

The entire Parry family are shitting themselves that Christmas will be a passive-aggressive nightmare with Lucy glowering and ready to kick off if she hears a single complaint.

Brother Nate said: “When she suggested it we all said ‘That’d be lovely’. We never thought she’d see the threat through. According to her kids she can’t cook fish fingers for four, let alone turkey and trimmings for ten.

“She’s destroying our family traditions. I want to spend Christmas Day opening rubbish presents and drinking myself into an argumentative state in the house I grew up in.

“Instead we’re on eggshells thanks to Lucy’s hubristic generosity. If it was just a cunning way to avoid having to drive three hours up the M1 to Mum and Dad’s, it’s backfired.”

Mother Jan said: “Lucy seems to think it will be a ‘year off’ the stress for me, but if anything it’s worse. It’s like knowing in advance you’re going to be driven into a brick wall. With all your loved ones in the car beside you.

“I’ve spent weeks cooking and freezing a back-up meal, so I’ll pop that in the boot before we set off.”