Right-wing dickheads think you want a lockdown

RIGHT-WING knobheads across the UK have convinced themselves that their political opponents love being locked up in their own homes for months. 

All of the worst Tory twats have decided that anyone who not bitterly opposed to Covid restrictions is well into Covid restrictions and cannot wait for three months of house arrest with the kids.

Richard Littlejohn said: “Omicron ain’t nothing to be scared of. It’s more frightened of you than you are of it. So why do these cringing cowards thirst for lockdown?

“Well, first because they hate business and want them all to go bust. That’s obvious. And restricting the freedoms of others gets them hard because they’re all Stalin.

“But it seems to me that it goes further for these weaklings. That they secretly crave their imprisonment, that they are relieved to have the state in control of whether they can even socialise, and their dream future is everyone locked up forever.

“It’s the only possible explanation. And I’ve worked it out from just sitting at my desk, without any evidence whatsoever, based purely on visceral dislike. I really am incredible, like a bigoted Sherlock Holmes.”

Joe Turner of Nottingham said: “Uh? No, it’s because we don’t want to catch Covid.”

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Insufferable wanker eagerly awaiting return of glory days as Zoom quizmaster

AN INTOLERABLE bastard is keenly anticipating the next lockdown so he can experience the raw power of being a Zoom quizmaster again. 

Throughout the 2020 and 2021 lockdowns, Tom Booker loved nothing more than lording it over his friends and family via lengthy, elaborate Zoom quizzes and with Omicron cases rising he is ready to once again feel the exhilarating rush of asking people questions.

He said: “My social life was never better than during lockdown. Every Saturday night everyone would log on wishing they hadn’t but knowing it was better than nothing.

“Being a quizmaster awoke something inside me I’d never felt before. I had never had that kind of authority. People were hanging on my every word. When I told them the mystery celebrity was Chris Pine not Chris Pratt they gasped.

“There hasn’t been a quiz since April. The shallow and attractive have been too busy ‘hanging out’ or ‘going to the pub’ and all that wasteful nonsense.

“But I can sense another lockdown. I know, in my quizmaster’s bones, that New Year’s Eve will be cancelled. The poor fools will have nowhere else to turn.

“Don’t worry. I intend to make them suffer. My big quiz of 2021 is 52 questions long and includes a Matt Hancock snog photo spot-the-difference.”