Man refusing to work out in case he becomes too sexy

A MAN is refusing to exercise because it might increase his sexual magnetism to a level that is hazardous for others. 

Joe Turner told friends that he would like to go to the gym, but adding a sculpted body to his good looks and charisma would not be fair to others.

He added: “Fat’s all I’ve got. Without that there’s nothing between me and Idris Elba.

“It’s taken years of a sedentary lifestyle, combined with sandwiches and Tizer, but it’s a sacrifice I have to make if it stops women walking into lamp posts. I don’t need the hassle.”

He added: “I’ve just left one girlfriend because in certain lights my man boobs looked like bulging, oiled pecs and she couldn’t take it.”

Turner’s ex, Emma Bradford, said: “Nathan is a chunky twat, but he doesn’t struggle with self-confidence.”

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Woolly Mammoth or Giant Elk? Which extinct creature should be the next Tory leader?

WHICH of the neolithic era’s extinct creatures would you like to lead our country once Theresa May has gone?

Cave bear
Even Michel Barnier might offer concessions on the Irish backstop when faced with this skull-crunching bastard. Weighing up to 2,000lbs in a nod to British obesity, he’d stand ready to put us back on the world stage with a roar.

Giant elk
One of the largest deer that ever lived with enormous, crowning antlers and an incredibly high opinion of itself, it suddenly became extinct for no reason apart from its own unwieldy idiocy.

Woolly mammoth
Imagine this friendly fellow on the steps of Downing Street. What party wouldn’t go into coalition with his winning combination of massive tusks, warm coat and reassuring bulk? He could announce a 7pm shoot-on-sight curfew and we’d all smile indulgently.

European timber wolf
If the members of the Conservative Party were offered the choice of Michael Gove or a wolf famous for preying on humans in packs and devouring their flesh, they would be mad to vote for Gove. They will probably vote for Gove.