Saturday, 18th January 2020

Passive-aggressive Mother’s Day gifts for terrible mothers

SOMETIMES a World’s Best Mum mug just won’t cut it - not because a mug is an inadequate gift, but because your mother is an inadequate parent.

So what’s the perfect gift for the mum who is the 'World’s Best' at undermining you in public?

Take her on a spa break The hot vapour in the steam room will mask your tears of resentment. She can breathe eucalyptus fumes into that cavern where her maternal instincts should be.

Bake her something rubbish She’ll think it’s sweet but you’ll know it’s revenge for all the years your birthday cakes were nowhere near as good as Darren’s mum’s.

Buy her some bulbs for the garden Because she’s somehow excellent at nurturing bloody flowers.

Make her a cross stitch Include the names of your brother, sister, nieces, nephews, cousin, cat. Basically all the names she remembers before she gets to yours.

Give her a hamster Let's see if she manages to care for something over a two-year lifespan. Regularly use it as an opportunity to debate the merits of eating your own young.