Passive-aggressive Mother’s Day gifts for terrible mothers

SOMETIMES a World’s Best Mum mug just won’t cut it – not because a mug is an inadequate gift, but because your mother is an inadequate parent.

So what’s the perfect gift for the mum who is the ‘World’s Best’ at undermining you in public?

Take her on a spa break
The hot vapour in the steam room will mask your tears of resentment. She can breathe eucalyptus fumes into that cavern where her maternal instincts should be.

Bake her something rubbish
She’ll think it’s sweet but you’ll know it’s revenge for all the years your birthday cakes were nowhere near as good as Darren’s mum’s.

Buy her some bulbs for the garden
Because she’s somehow excellent at nurturing bloody flowers.

Make her a cross stitch
Include the names of your brother, sister, nieces, nephews, cousin, cat. Basically all the names she remembers before she gets to yours.

Give her a hamster
Let’s see if she manages to care for something over a two-year lifespan. Regularly use it as an opportunity to debate the merits of eating your own young.

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Thanks for bringing me breakfast in bed, now f**k off, says mum

A MUM whose family brought her breakfast in bed for Mother’s Day would quite like them all to fuck off and leave her to eat it in peace.

Emma Bradford’s family all piled into her bed after waking her up with a tray of cold toast, mug of watery tea and a daffodil in a wine glass.

The mum-of-two said: “They’ve stolen half my toast, spilt my tea and I am pretty sure my son just ate the daffodil.

“Oh god, now someone is singing Baby Shark while wiping jam on my pillow. I need a nap.

“And I know they’ll have trashed the kitchen and there’ll be crumbs in the butter and butter in the jam. So now I’ve got to change my bed sheets and clean the kitchen. Happy fucking Mother’s Day.

“You know what’s better than being woken up with breakfast in bed? Not being woken up at all. That’s what I want next year.”