Man who quit drinking and smoking now addicted to judging people

A MAN who adopted a ‘clean living’ lifestyle is now getting ‘high’ on being incredibly sanctimonious.

Nathan Muir, 32, quit alcohol and tobacco at New Year but found the only thing that replicates the warm, fuzzy feeling of a large glass of red wine is making judgements about other people’s drinking habits.

Muir said: “At first it was great because I was high from feeling so holier-than-thou, but that soon started to fade.

“People stopped giving a shit that I’d given up booze and fags and started looking annoyed when I talked about how revitalised I felt.

“Then, after they’d all had made a cursory attempt at not drinking so much in January, they all got right back on it from February and were having a whale of a time getting twatted every weekend.

“Meanwhile I’m getting ‘twatted’ on the joy that comes from making patronising comments and quoting statistics from terrifying health studies.

“I’ll have the last laugh when they’re keeling over from liver failure. As long as I haven’t died from boredom.”