May placed on zero-hours contract

THERESA May’s position as prime minister is on a zero-hours contract meaning she does not even know if she will be working next week. 

May was employed full-time until recently, with paid holiday and pension rights, but has seen her role downgraded in light of an uncertain economic future.

She said: “There was a restructure at work – which I was all for – but it ended up with my job being readvertised and I had to apply for it again.

“I got it, but they’ve said they had to rethink the role so now I don’t know what my hours will be from day to day and I’ve ended up doing loads of stuff that I used to get paid for for free.

“They say everyone’s in the same boat, but I can’t plan for the future like this. I can’t even get a proper debit card. I’m on a Visa Electron.”

May added: “They should do something about it. Next election I’m going to vote for that Ed Miliband.”

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More young people forced to live in parents’ glass-fronted living room cabinets

YOUNG Britons unable to get on the property ladder are living in their parents’ glass-fronted display cabinets.

The cabinets were traditionally used to house a small selection of extra-fancy glasses, a gravy boat and butter dish received as wedding gifts, and an engraved pewter tankard.

However, young adults are increasingly using the cabinets as live-work spaces, citing their hardwood construction and open glass frontage as far better than anything available from private landlords.

Norman Steele, from Orpington, said, “When my son Gary asked if he could move back in to his old room I said no because it’s now a sauna. He then suggested he live in the glass cabinet, but I was reluctant.

“The cabinet is the most important item of furniture in the house. Suppose a local viscount was to break down just outside our house, along with his entire entourage?

“They couldn’t use the day-to-day mugs and tumblers. That’s why we keep the soda siphon and Waterford crystal and Wedgwood napkin ring set.

“But I know it’s tough out there, so I reluctantly agreed to remove two of the shelves. Still, it breaks my heart to see him in there, on display, as though he’s something special I’m proud of.”