Northerners denounce contactless payment as 'the Devil's hocus pocus'

CONTACTLESS payment is Lucifer’s dark magic, the people of the North have declared.

The controversy began on Tuesday when Southerner Tom Logan tried to pay for something in Doncaster ‘without contact’, causing the entire Northern population to go mental.

Martin Bishop, a 43-year-old solicitor from Hartlepool, said: “Don’t get me wrong, we use iPhones and Netflix, all that shit, but this is the work of Beelzebub’s handmaidens.”

He added: “If payment is to be made, there must be contact.”

Later that day Logan asked to use the technology to pay for a sandwich and a pint in a Doncaster pub, causing many of the regulars to hide under tables while chanting the Lord’s Prayer.

Pub landlord, Bill McKay, said: “We’d heard warning that there may be a warlock in the area so we were on our guard.

“He said he wanted to hold his phone ‘near the machine’ so we dragged him into the beer garden and put him in the dunking bath. Eventually he confessed that, during the last full moon, he had been bewitched by a strumpet in Peterborough.

“He gave us a two star review on Tripadvisor.”

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Thatcher statue to be officially unveiled then officially toppled

A STATUE of Margaret Thatcher is to be erected then immediately pulled down and destroyed by a cheering crowd. 

The 15ft statue of the former prime minister will be officially unveiled in a lavish ceremony in Parliament Square, followed immediately by its official toppling.

A Royal Parks spokesman said: “This magnificent statue, honouring the greatest prime minister of the 20th century, will be officially presented to the public with a speech detailing her many achievements.

“The unveiling ceremony will then make way on the podium for the jeering mob who will list her many evils before knocking the statue over using a crane. They will then dance and cheer as it shatters on the ground.”

The spokesman added: “If it proves popular it could become an annual event.”