Mango shortage puts middle-class kids in danger of real sweets

CHILDREN of twee parents risk tasting refined sugar for the first time as Britain is hit by a mango shortage.

An EU ban on Indian mango exports means that children called Zachary and Imogen may eat their first Haribo within the month, ruining years of careful nurturing.

Mother-of-two Francesca Johnson said: “Raising a middle-class child to middle-class adulthood is like walking a horse in blinkers.

“You have to lead them past the terrible temptations of plastic toys, non-Iranian animation, television with adverts in, and worst of all white sugar.

“Mangoes had been the perfect screen. They’ve had years of mango in the lunchbox, mango after dinner, mango as a holiday treat and never suspected.

“But once they taste Tangfastics it’s all over.”

Seven-year-old Portia Johnson said: “I always wanted to be an aerospace engineer but that was before my lips felt the sublime kiss of a Vimto bon-bon.

“Now I don’t want to do anything but suck sherbet through a coloured straw all day every day for the rest of my life.”

Her brother Bear Johnson, aged ten, said: “They lied to us. Not everything is organic.

“There are crisps in the world that taste of pickled onion and sweet chilli and barbecue beef, not just parsnip and beetroot and sweet potato.

“I’m going to burn down the house.”

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Chris Packham flees Malta on back of giant eagle

TELEVISION naturalist Chris Packham has escaped Maltese police custody with the help of birds.

Avian species, who see Packham as a staunch ally, came to the rescue after the presenter was detained in Malta while filming illegal bird hunting.

Eyewitnesses reported birds of all kinds flocking down the chimney of the Maltese police station, pecking and clawing officers.

A pair of chaffinches removed keys to Packham’s interrogation room from a guard’s belt, then held them in their beaks to unlock the door like in a Disney film.

Packham, who speaks 518 bird languages, was escorted onto the back of a waiting golden eagle while seagulls dive-bombed irate officers, shitting on their heads.

Collared dove Tom Logan said: “Packham is our bird brother. In our tongue we call him ‘Kemetra’ which means ‘feathers on the inside’.”

He added: “Also he knows Michaela Strachan personally. She was so fit back in the day.”