Mars bars recalled because they help you do f**k all

MARS bars have been recalled across Europe following the discovery they help consumers to do nothing except become fatter.

After a Mars bar in Germany was found to have a negative effect on the buyer’s ability to work, rest or play, a recall was issued pending further analysis. 

Roy Hobbs of Blackburn said: “I’ve been on a Mars every day since November 1985, on what I believed to be official medical advice. 

“I’ve lost my job as a bus driver because I’m too obese to fit in the seat and if I kick a football I have to lean against a tree, red-faced and panting. I’ve tried upping the dosage but if anything that made it worse. 

“And I’m not sure what claims they’re making for Mars Milk, but after drinking four of them in a row I lay on my bed feeling deeply unwell.”

A Mars spokesman said: “A concentrated hit of sugar makes work, playing with the kids and yet another evening slumped in front of The One Show slightly more bearable, how’s that? 

“Or you could have a fun-size Mars, if you want to feel cheated.”