Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
On Friday, a longstanding question is put to rest when Alex Jones writes back to say no, she would never do that with anyone. Good to have it finally settled.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After thinking long and hard, you decide youd rather be a cyborg than a genetically modified super-being, write your verdict down and seal your will.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Patiently, you await the first signs of spring: daffodils, birds in song, farmers spraying banks with manure, the new series of Game of Thrones.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
This week, you finally realise who you’d be in a zombie apocalypse, and it’s third zombie from the left with pulled-off arm.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Forty years ago you carved your name on an oak, and on Sunday you return to it and find someone carved ‘IS A TWAT’ underneath.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As the most fashion-conscious of all the sun signs, you’re aware on Monday that your black three-quarter-length dress doesn’t really go with an open facial wound.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You really hope Sanders becomes president as ‘President Bernie’ sounds like the Weekend At Bernie’s sequel you’ve been hoping for.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As the most logical, analytical sign of the zodiac youve determined that your own belief in horoscopes is impossible.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A disappointing Sunday as you manage to cop off with a witch during a pagan orgy and her tit is nowhere near as cold as you’d been led to believe.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve always believed in the motto ‘any port in a storm’, which is why you were fired from the Met office for drinking on the job.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
For years you’ve wanted a tattoo but not known what to get, but all that has changed this week when you see the logo for the Elizabeth Line in London.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Youre proud to say you feature in one of Aesops fables, The Goat and the Other Goat. Its not one of the main ones. Its kind of one for the fans.