Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
On Friday, a longstanding question is put to rest when Alex Jones writes back to say no, she would never do that with anyone. Good to have it finally settled. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After thinking long and hard, you decide you’d rather be a cyborg than a genetically modified super-being, write your verdict down and seal your will. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Patiently, you await the first signs of spring: daffodils, birds in song, farmers spraying banks with manure, the new series of Game of Thrones

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
This week, you finally realise who you’d be in a zombie apocalypse, and it’s third zombie from the left with pulled-off arm. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Forty years ago you carved your name on an oak, and on Sunday you return to it and find someone carved ‘IS A TWAT’ underneath. 

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
As the most fashion-conscious of all the sun signs, you’re aware on Monday that your black three-quarter-length dress doesn’t really go with an open facial wound.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You really hope Sanders becomes president as ‘President Bernie’ sounds like the Weekend At Bernie’s sequel you’ve been hoping for.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
As the most logical, analytical sign of the zodiac you’ve determined that your own belief in horoscopes is impossible. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A disappointing Sunday as you manage to cop off with a witch during a pagan orgy and her tit is nowhere near as cold as you’d been led to believe.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve always believed in the motto ‘any port in a storm’, which is why you were fired from the Met office for drinking on the job.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
For years you’ve wanted a tattoo but not known what to get, but all that has changed this week when you see the logo for the Elizabeth Line in London.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’re proud to say you feature in one of Aesop’s fables, The Goat and the Other Goat. It’s not one of the main ones. It’s kind of one for the fans.