‘Mediterranean diet’ translated as pizza

BRITONS have decided that pizza is the main component of a Mediterranean diet.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “It’s great that doctors are saying pizza is the key to longevity because I adore it.

“Healthy living is all about simple, fresh ingredients like dough and spicy beef.

“Natural oils, which can be seen oozing plentifully out of a cheese-stuffed Domino’s crust, are vital for a strong heart.

“And if we prefer something lighter there’s always pasta and big fancy ice creams.”

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England team fired up for going home after Scotland game

THE England squad are single-mindedly focused on showering and getting home as soon as possible after tonight’s match against Scotland.

Rooney described his house as ‘massive and warm’

According to players the game against the ‘Auld Enemy’ is vitally important to get out of the way so they can have a night in their own beds.

Manager Roy Hodgson said: “Their dedication to getting through that ice bath and out the door is superhuman.

 “All they’re talking about, all they’re thinking about is one thing: that moment, at 10pm tonight, when they can stop pretending they care, clock out and fuck off.”

Captain Wayne Rooney said: “It’s going to be intense.

“The new Assassin’s Creed came out last week, I’ve got a copy at home, and if I can make it back before midnight I can get a decent session in.

“Obviously our focus is getting to the end of the match with one, or at the most two, minutes of extra time added on. Any more is a disaster.”

Scotland captain Scott Brown said: “This is an absolutely massive match for us, because once it’s finished we have to go back to our horrible Scottish clubs.

“We’re playing for extra time and a 24-goal penalty shootout.”