Most crime entirely accidental, explain police

POLICE have explained that most so-called crimes are really just a series of unfortunate coincidences.

“There’s always an explanation”

As it emerged that over 1m reported crimes go unrecorded, police explained that ‘burglars’ were just drunk people who had wandered into the wrong house after going to a party dressed as a ninja.

A police spokesman said: “It’s easy to get the wrong end of the stick when you wake up to find a black-clad stranger rifling through your belongings, but chances are they’re trying to make themselves a toasted cheese sandwich.

“The best thing is to explain that you see the funny side, point them towards the cheddar and return to bed.”

He continued: “Last week three men went into a bank, pointed their guns at staff and demanded some money. To the layman that might look like a robbery.

“But if you stop and examine the situation, it’s clear they just wanted some pound coins for a parking meter.

“That’s why they had a car outside with a driver and the engine running – because they did not have the requisite change and felt uncomfortable leaving the vehicle unattended.

“As for the guns, probably they just forgot they were carrying them.”

The spokesman added: “Think very hard before you call us because it is freezing out there at the moment.”

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Britain begins four month period of feeling a bit ill

EVERYONE in Britain is fighting something off until further notice.

The nation began to feel very slightly under the weather at the end of last week and is expected to remain that way at least until next April.

Roy Hobbs, an insurance salesman with a slightly blocked up nose, said: “I’m teetering on the brink of legitimate illness, torn between the desire to remain well and the lure of time off work.

“For the time being I intend to remain at my desk coughing emphatically while ostentatiously nursing a mug of Lemsip.

“Meanwhile I will build a stack of used tissues that towers over me like a monument to self-sacrifice.

“If anyone asks how I am, I’ll adopt a pained tone and insist that I’m fine.”

Hobbs also expressed a keen desire to exchange as many germs as possible with like-minded colleagues in the hope that one of them develops a fever worthy of the hallowed day in bed.